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humor: aug 28 -- Sabbath Stuff

                              Nick's G-Rated Humor List

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  This comes from Harry <Whattadeal@aol.com>.  He sends
  out material of a Jewish ethnic and/or religious nature.
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"Rabbi," the man said, "Please explain the Talmud to me."

"Very well," he said.  "First, I will ask you a question.  If two men
climb up a chimney and one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean,
which one washes himself?"

"The dirty one," answers the man.

"No.  They look at each other and the dirty man thinks he is clean and
the clean man thinks he is dirty, therefore, the clean man washes

"Now, another question.  If two men climb up a chimney and one comes out
dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"

The man smiles and says, "You just told me, Rabbi.  The man who is clean
washes himself because he thinks he is dirty."

"No," says the Rabbi.  "If they each look at themselves, the clean man
knows he doesn't have to wash himself, so the dirty man washes himself.

"Now, one more question.   If two men climb up a chimney and one comes
out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"

"I don't know, Rabbi.  Depending on your point of view, it could be
either one."

Again the Rabbi says, "No.  If two men climb up a chimney, how could one
man remain clean?  They both are dirty, and they both wash themselves."

The confused man said, "Rabbi, you asked me the same question three times
and you gave me three different answers.  Is this some kind of a joke?"

"This is not a joke, my son.  This is Talmud."



Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with
all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner
and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."

"Moishe Plotnik?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"  So
he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the
counter.  The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe
Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this
country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is
Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?'
He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.'  Then she look at me and go, 'What your
name?'  I say, 'Sam Ting.'"


Young Sammy, not very bright but a loving son, spoke to his father.
"Dad," he said, "it's Father's Day, and you have enough ties.
What would YOU like as a gift?"

The father thought for a moment, then said, "Sammy, my greatest joy would
be for you to continue the tradition of our people and learn to speak

The boy shuddered. "That would be so much work.  Let's face it, Father, I'm
a slow learner."

"You'll do fine, Sammy. I learned that language to please my father as he
did for HIS father. It would please me so very much!"

"Okay, Dad, I'll give it a shot."

The next day, they looked up the local synagogue in the yellow pages and
went to see the rabbi. Hebrew lessons were arranged, and the boy went
faithfully and studied hard.

A few months later the father dropped in during a lesson and discovered
that the boy, while obviously doing his best, could stumble through just a
few words of Hebrew. Then, to his horror, he realized that what he was
hearing was the beginning of the Kaddish, the prayer for the dead, the
words that every son is expected to intone at regular intervals after the
father's death.

"What IS this?" he cried. "I'm just in my 50s, a young man, in good health.
Do I look so aged and frail that my son has to learn the Kaddish before
anything else?"

"Mister!" said the rabbi. "You should only LIVE so long that this boy will
be able to say the whole Kaddish over you!"

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              humor                            1.94.3+ 9908