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humor: sep 05 -- Sunday Stuff

                              Nick's G-Rated Humor List
Several people had delightful
comments on "sep 03 -- Age Barometer".

	"Add to the list getting into the movie
	theatre for change and coke caps!"

Nick replies: yes, and how about getting into a movie theatre
and with two features and at least one cartoon .... and being
allowed to stay to see it all a second time -- or all day.

	"For Peat's sake, I am older than dirt!"

	"Now come on now!  45 can't be older than dirt!!!!
	 I wouldn't mind reruns of Beanie and Cecil cartoons.
	 That friendly sea monster and friend were pretty cute!"

Nick replies: You can relax, youngster.  The "Beany and Cecil" I remember
was a live puppet show broadcast in black and white on a Los Angeles TV
station.  Little did I know at the time that the voice of Cecil, The
Seasick Sea Serpent was none other than Stan Freberg -- later known for his
song parodies (Dragonet, Green Christmas) and TV commercials.  Fans of the
ORIGINAL Beany and Cecil will also remember the song (lyrics altered by
memory, sorry)
	As I was walking down the street
	one bright and sunny day ....
	I saw a great big wooden box
	a floating in the bay.
	I pulled it out, and opened it up
	and what to by surprise ....
	I discovered a
	  [sound effect: BOOM BA-BOOM]
	right before my eyes.
	and what to by surprise ....
	Yes, I discovered a
	right before my eyes!!

Other trivia ---
The young boy Beany wore a hat --
would you believe a beanie?!!
Cecil's nostrisl were two buttons --
both as a puppet and in the cartoon series, I think.

Now ... who can give the names of any of the
other characters in Beany and Cecil (either
the live broadcasts or the Saturday morning
cartons)?  I can remember only one other ...

And what was the name of the boat???

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MIKEY'S FUNNIES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On a church bulletin were these instructions:

Hold this paper close to your nose and breath deeply.
     If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
     If it turns blue, see your dentist.
     If it turns red, see your bank manager.
     If it turns black, see your lawyer immediately
     and make sure your will is up to date!

If, however, it does not change color, then there is
nothing wrong with you and so there is no reason why
you should not be in church again next week.

[forwarded by Gabe Combs]


A four-year-old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor
looked in her ears, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"
The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He
asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the
little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her
heartbeat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart.
Barney's on my underpants."


A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about
a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog,
he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We
all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that
whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a
contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute
sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie,"
and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute.  Just as the reverend was
beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a
deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

[forwarded by Mike L. Hardy]


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MIKEY'S FUNNIES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mikey's Thot for the Day:
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a
man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing
equipment, stupid-looking clothes, a sportsutility vehicle,
travel 1,000 miles to the "hottest" fishing hole, and stand
waist deep in cold water just so he can outsmart a fish.
(Average cost per fish: $395.68)

++++++++++++++++++++ Funny-Bone ++++++++++++++++++++
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the
Ten Commandments with her five and six year
olds. After explaining the commandment to
"honor thy father and thy mother," she asked
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how
to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest
of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
++++++++++++++++++++ Funny-Bone ++++++++++++++++++++

Subject: First Jewish Woman President

The first Jewish woman President is elected.
She calls her mother "Mama, I've won the election.
Please come to the swearing-in ceremony."

"I don't know, what would I wear?"
"Don't worry. I'll send you a dressmaker.

"But I only eat kosher food."
"Mama, I'm going to be President. I can get you kosher food."

"But how will I get there?"
"I"ll send a limo, just come, Mama."
"OK, OK, if it makes you happy."

The great day comes and Mama is seated
between the Supreme Court justices and
the future cabinet members.  She nudges
the gentleman on her right.

"You see that girl, the one with her hand
on the Bible?  Her brother's a doctor!"


You undoubtedly felt awkward the first time you had to learn
which fork to use. But with that knowledge you can enter any
dining experience with confidence. The same is true when you dine
at God's table. At first it seems difficult. But learning the
right manners makes it possible for you to be in any situation
and please the Father.

Table manners at God's table:

  * You have to do your own chewing. Too many Christians expect
    God to take out a spoon and dish up the blessing for them. He
    is supposed to place it in our mouths, work our jaws to chew
    it up, and help us swallow it. We want God to do everything.
    The fact is that you have responsibility in God's sovereign

  * Accept the seating. God has a place for you - in Him - that
    far outweighs anything the pleasures of this life have to
    offer. The fleshly, carnal attitudes of your world will be a
    constant source of contention in this life. But God calls you
    to sit in His kingdom, not in the world. Satan will try to
    convince you to take a lesser seat, that those serving God
    have more time, money, or talent than you. He wants you to
    measure flesh against flesh. Don't listen to him. Sit in the
    seat of inheritance that God has waiting for you

  * Finish the meal. John 3:16 tells us, God so loved the world,
    that He gave His only begotten Son. Some believe that because
    God has already come and died for the sins of the world, they
    don't have to do anything else. However, it's important to
    finish the phrase regarding man's responsibility: whosoever
    believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.
    You must come to Him in order to receive the forgiveness that
    He purchased for you.

  * Read the menu. You must spend time reading what God has
    prepared. Read your Bible, meditate on the Word. It will give
    you strength and illumination according to God's plan for
    your life. It will keep you on course and remind you of your
    responsibilities in order to fulfill the plan of God.

  * Count the fruit. If you are not willing to bear fruit for
    Him, then He is not obligated to answer your requests, even
    if you ask things in His name. Jesus declares, Everything
    that the Father gives me will come to me, and anyone who
    comes to me I will never drive away (John 6:37). The Holy
    Spirit inspires us to go to Jesus and do what He asks of us.
    His sovereignty makes the first move toward us, but because
    He gave us free will, we must move toward Him as well.
                Sent by way of:  <<RWright343@aol.com>>

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              humor                            1.94.3+ 9908