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humor: sep 24 -- quotes can be jokes

                              Nick's G-Rated Humor List


I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him
in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
--Shirley Temple

If all the cars in the United States
were placed end to end, it would
probably be Labor Day Weekend.  --Doug Lars

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their
fellow man, and I hate people like that!  --Tom Lehrer

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then
I thought: What good would that do?  --Ronnie Shakes

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.  --Rod Serling

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving
birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.  --Sam Levenson

Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your
friends, they will certainly not attend yours.  --H.L. Mencken

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero;
but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
 --G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

This isn't right. It isn't even wrong.
--Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat,
that's REALLY BAD for you.  --Tommy Smothers

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of
twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
--Norm Crosby

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.
He told me to quit going to those places
--Henny Youngman

It ain't so much the things you don't know
that get you in trouble. It's the things you
know that just ain't so.  --Artimus Ward, 1834-1867

Larry Thornton collected more quotes
.... from other collections ......

1) "Too bad all the people who know
how to run the country are busy driving
cabs and cutting hair." George Burns, US comedian

2) "When you are courting a nice
girl an hour seems like a second.  When
you sit on a red hot cinder a second
seems like an hour.  That's relativity."
Albert Einstein, physicist

3) "I don't make jokes - I just watch the
government and report the facts."
Will Rogers, US actor and humorist

4) "The years between fifty and seventy
are the hardest.  You are always
being asked to do things, and you
are not yet decrepit enough to turn them
down."	T.S. Eliot, US-born British poet and dramatist

5) "A diplomat is a man who always remembers
a woman but never remembers her age."
Robert Frost, US poet

6) "First you take a drink,
then the drink takes a drink,
then the drink takes you."
F. Scott Fitzgerald, US novelist

7) "There are two tragedies in life.
One is to lose your heart's desire.
The other is to gain it."
George Bernard Shaw, Irish dramatist and critic

8) "My brother-in-law wrote an unusual
murder story.  The victim got killed
by a man from another book." Robert Sylvester, US writer

9) "Prolonged, indiscriminate reviewing of books involves constantly
inventing reactions towards books about which one has no spontaneous
feelings whatever." George Orwell, British novelist

10) "I started at the top and worked my way down."
Orson Welles, US film actor

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              humor                            1.94.3+ 9908