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humor: sep 25 -- Real Groaners!!
Nick's G-Rated Humor List
Taken from the GROANERS mailings
of Stan Kegel <email@example.com>
My friend is very shy and refused to go out into the world to
try to meet people. When she received a formal engraved
invitation from Janet and Samuel Rosen to attend their gala
fiftieth wedding anniversary party, I had to almost force her
to go. Finally she agreed after I told her that it was
passible that at a ...
"Sam and Janet evening, you will meet a stranger ..."
(By Stan Kegel)
Eric Writ and Ross Tort were old classmates from law school and now,
with flourishing practices, were specially noted for their abilities
to argue murder trials.
Once, they found themselves on opposite sides of a criminal case.
They prepared well, subpoenaed witnesses and honed their arguments to
a fine degree.
When the trial opened Eric rose to describe how the crime had been
committed in a certain location which he described in minute detail.
"Objection," Ross called, and went on to say he believed the case he
was defending had occurred in a totally different place.
Their exchange continued for a long time until the judge cried:
"Gentlemen, enough. ... It would seem to me you are arguing from
different premises." (By Himie Koshevoy)
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November
evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what
happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen
anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking
battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?"
"I decided to charge one of them and let the other off."
A guy gets a new dog and he can't wait to show him off to his
neighbor so when the neighbor comes over, the guy calls the dog into
the house, bragging about how smart the critter is. The dog quickly
comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging
furiously, mouth openin classic doggie-smile position, eyes bright
The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, "Fetch!"
Immediately, the dog sits down, the tail wagging stops, the
doggie-smile disappears; he hangs his head, looks balefully up at his
master and says in a whiney voice, "Oy! My tail hurts from wagging so
much and that dog food you're feeding me tastes absolutely terrible.
Also I can't remember the last time you took me out for a walk..."
The neighbor looks puzzled. "Oh", explains the dog owner, "he thought
I said 'Kvetch!"
It was time again for the annual ostrich hunt.
Ollie, an old and well-known ostrich, was tired after all these years
and he couldn't run much anymore. But, he didn't relish getting
himself killed either, so he came up with a plan. He stripped off his
feathers, got some brown paint, and put a pillow on his back. Now, he
looked just like any camel he had ever seen.
Well, Ollie survived the first day and the second too. But, on the
third day, a hunter shot and killed Ollie.
Asked later how he managed to get the old legendary ostrich, the
hunter replied, "He fooled me at first, but it didn't take me too
long to see through his camel flaws."
On the distant planet of Anthrax, the dominant population was
obsessed with dental hygiene. Partly owing, of course, to the fact
that they had three complete receding sets of mandibles. They were so
concerned with maintaining their teeth that the custom was to floss
one's choppers several times a day.
To achieve this goal, they grew a "Floss Plant" from which the fibers
were extracted to make the necessary product. Being a scientifically
advanced species, especially in the area of genetics, they developed a
subspecies of workers by using their own genetic print as a starting
point, ie, clones.
These clones were specifically designed to harvest the plants and
were deficient in other areas such as intelligence. As long as they
were supervised, they did a good job but left unattended, they would
usually wander aimlessly off.
No doubt, you are familiar with their well-worn expression.
... A strolling clone gathers no floss
And finally (at last!!), Ken Shurget sent these.....
A wildebeest corral -- GNUS ROUNDUP
Muscidae with a sore throat -- HOARSE FLY
A bunnyrabbit's grooming tool -- HARE BRUSH
Wildcat AWOL from the zoo -- MISSING LYNX
Say goodnight, Gracie!!!!
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