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Fw: Help Desk Stories

>Those who'll play with cats must expect to be scratched.
>     - Cervantes
>--These are stories from help desks around the country.
> **********************************************************
> At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the
> clock to determine my annoyance level, when I
> received a frantic phone call from a new user of
> a Macintosh Plus.  She had gotten her entire family
> out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's.
> She had just received her first system
> error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on
> the screen as a warning
> that the computer was going to blow up.
> **********************************************************
> Tech Support:  "I need you to right-click on the
> Open Desktop."
> Customer:  "Ok."
> Tech Support:  "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
> Customer:  "No."
> Tech Support:  "Ok.  Right click again.  Do you see
> a pop-up menu?"
> Customer:  "No."
> Tech Support:  "Ok, sir.  Can you tell me what you
> have done up until this point?"
> Customer:  "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and
> I wrote 'click'."
> (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to
> tell the rest of the tech support staff what had
> happened.  I couldn't, however, stop
> from giggling when I got back to the call.)
> Tech Support:  "Ok, did you type 'click' with the
> keyboard?"
> Customer:  "I have done something dumb, right?"
> **********************************************************
> One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how
> to install the batteries in her laptop.
> When told that the directions were
> on the first page of the
> manual the woman replied angrily,
> "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm
>  not going to read the book."
> **********************************************************
> Customer:  "I received the software update you
> sent, but I am still
> getting the same error message."
> Tech Support:  "Did you install the update?"
> Customer:  "No.  Oh, am I supposed to install it to
> get it to work?"
> **********************************************************
> Customer:  "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft
>  Word."
> Tech Support:  "Tell me what you've done."
> Customer:  "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
> Tech Support:  "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me
> what it says."
> Customer:  "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and
> Recovery disk'."
> Tech Support:  "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
> Customer:  "What?"
> Tech Support:  "Did you buy MS word?"
> Customer:  "No..."
> **********************************************************
> Tech Support:  "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of
> the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
> Customer:  "Wow. How can you see my screen from
>  there?"
> **********************************************************
> Customer:  "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
> Tech Support:  "What exactly is the problem?"
> Customer:  "I can't open the box."
> Tech Support:  "Well, I'd remove the tape holding
> the box closed and go from there."
> Customer:  "Uhhhh...ok, thanks..."
> **********************************************************
> Customer:  "I'm having a problem installing your
> software.  I've got a
> fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all
> it says is 'Bad command or file name'."
> Tech Support:  "Ok, check the directory of the A:
> drive-go to A:\ and type 'dir'."
> Customer reads off a list of file names, including
> Tech Support:  "All right, the correct file is
> there.  Type 'INSTALL'  again."
> Customer:  "Ok."  (pause)  "Still says 'Bad command
> or file name'."
> Tech Support:  "Hmmm.  The file's there in the
> correct place-it can't  help but do something.
> Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L
> and hitting the Enter key?"
> Customer:  "Yes, let me try it again."  (pause)
> "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."
> Tech Support:  (now really confused)  "Are you sure
> you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key
> that says 'Enter'?"
> Customer:  "Well, yeah.  Although my 'N' key is
> stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?
> **********************************************************
> At our company we have asset numbers on the front
> of everything. They give the location, name, and
> everything else just by scanning the computer's
> asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
> Customer:  "Hello.  I can't get on the network."
> Tech Support:  "Ok.  Just read me your asset number
> so we can open an outage."
> Customer:  "What is that?"
> Tech Support:  "That little barcode on the front of
> your computer."
> Customer:  "Ok.  Big bar, little bar, big bar, big
>  bar . . ."
> **********************************************************
> And the best for last!!!!
> Customer:  "I got this problem.  You people sent me
> this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."
> Tech Support:  "Your A drive won't work?"
> Customer:  "That's what I said.  You sent me a bad
> disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."
> Tech Support:  "Did it not install properly?  What
> kind of error messages did you get?"
> Customer:  "I didn't get any error message.  The
> disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out.
> So I got these pliers and tried to get it out.
> That didn't work either."
> Tech Support:  "You did what sir?"
> Customer:  "I got these pliers, and tried to get
> the disk out, but it wouldn't budge.  I just
> ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
> Tech Support:  "I don't understand sir, did you
> push the eject button?"
> Customer:  "No, so then I got a stick of butter and
> melted it and used a turkey baster and put the
> butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it
> loose.  I can't  believe you would send me a
> disk that was broke and defective."
> Tech Support:  "Let me get this clear.  You put
> melted butter in your
> A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"
> At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone
> and motioned at  the other techs to listen in.
> Tech Support:  "Just so I am absolutely clear on
> this, can you repeat what you just said?"
> Customer:  "I said I put butter in my A: drive to
> get your crappy disk out, then I had to use
> pliers to pull it out."
> Tech Support:  "Did you push that little button
> that was sticking out when the disk was in the
> drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject
> button?"
> Silence.
> Tech Support:  "Sir?"
> Customer:  "Yes."
> Tech Support:  "Sir, did you push the eject
> button?"
> Customer:  "No, but you people are going to fix my
> computer, or I am
> going to sue you for breaking my computer?"
> Tech Support:  "Let me get this straight.  You are
> going to sue our company
> because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't
> follow the instructions we sent you, didn't
> actually seek professional
> advice, didn't consult
> your user's manual on how to use your computer
> properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into
> the drive and physically rip the disk out?"
> Customer:  "Ummmm."
> Tech Support:  "Do you really think you stand a
> chance, since we do
> record every call and have it on tape?"
> Customer:  (now rather humbled)  "But you're
> supposed to help!"
> Tech Support:  "I am sorry sir, but there is
> nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day."