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[humorix] Microsoft Mandatory Survey 1.1
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- Subject: [humorix] Microsoft Mandatory Survey 1.1
- From: James Baughn <email@example.com>
- Date: Sat, 26 Jun 1999 13:20:45 -0500
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Microsoft Mandatory Survey 1.1
June 26, 1999
A member of our Vast Spy Network(tm) sent word of yet
another Microsoft dirty trick (we're getting sick of
these). People wanting to "upgrade" to Windows 98 Second
Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before
they can order the bugfix/upgrade.
Here is a copy of the survey that our spy was able to
WINDOWS 98 SECOND EDITION
USER PREFERENCE QUESTIONNAIRE 1.1
Dear Valued Customer -
Please fill out the following survey honestly and
accurately. You may select one or more choices for each
question. The results of this survey will be used to
increase innovation and benefit consumers.
VP of Demographics Research
1. What is your opinion of the Microsoft antitrust trial?
A) The DoJ is wasting taxpayer's money. Now, if the DOJ
were to upgrade all of its computer systems to Windows,
then the department would be making wise use of tax
B) All of the Microsoft email messages that the evil
government has presented as evidence are obviously taken
out of context or have been completely twisted around.
I mean, c'mon, Bill Gates would never say "let's cut off
their air supply" in a memo; it's an obvious
C) Judge Jackson is obviously biased in favor of the DOJ's
vigilante persecution of Microsoft.
D) If Microsoft loses, it will be the gravest miscarriage
of justice in all the history of mankind.
2. When did you stop using the obsolete Unix OS and upgrade
to Windows NT?
A) Two years ago
B) One year ago
C) Within the last few months
D) I've never used it because I consider Unix to be crappy
E) I still use it because I'm forced to at work, but I have
plans to smuggle in a Windows box to increase my
3. Have you ever experimented with the freeware Linux OS
created by a group of anarchist acne-laden teenagers via
A) No, I'd never trust my work to a piece of non-Microsoft
B) No, I'd never trust my computer to a piece of software
that has a restrictive license agreement such as the GNU
C) No, I don't want to mess with the ancient command line
interface Linux imposes on its users.
D) Yes, but I quickly migrated back to modern Windows NT
after I had trouble figuring out how to boot the thing
from the cryptic LILO prompt.
4. What is your favorite Microsoft Office feature?
A) Dancing Paper Clip
B) Takes up enough hard drive space to prevent my children
from installing violent video games or downloading
C) Everyone else has it, so I can easily exchange documents
D) I have so many favorites, I can't choose just one!
5. Where do you want to go today?(tm)
A) To Washington, D.C. to meet Janet Reno and cuss her out
for persecuting Microsoft
B) To Redmond, WA to take a tour of the Microsoft campus
C) To the software store to purchase a new piece of
D) To my local school district to convince the
administration to upgrade the Macintoshes in the
computer labs to Wintel systems
E) I don't know about myself, but I'd like to see so-called
"consumer advocates" like Ralpha Nader go to Hell.
6. Do you plan on upgrading to Windows 2000 when it is
released in 2000 (or 2001)?
A) Of course, I always upgrade to the latest versions to
take advantage of new features and usability
B) Yes, but only after I buy a new system that meets
Windows 2000's system requirements
C) Yes, but only if Internet Explorer is still integrated
with it. If the evil government attempts to stifle
innovation by forcing Microsoft to unbundle IE from
Windows, then I'll stick with Windows 98.
7. What new features would you like to see in the next
version of Windows?
A) A marquee on the taskbar that automatically scrolls the
latest headlines from MSNBC
B) Content filtration software for Internet Explorer that
will prevent my children from accessing dangerous
propaganda about "open source software".
C) A new card game; I've spent over 10,000 hours playing
Solitaire during my free time at work and I'm starting
to get bored with it
D) A screensaver depicting cream pies being thrown at Janet
Reno, Joel Klien, David Boies, Ralpha Nader, Orrin
Hatch, Linus Torvalds, Richard M. Stallman, and other
conspirators out to destroy Microsoft
E) A Reinstall Wizard that helps me reinstall a fresh copy
of Windows to fix Registry corruptions and other known
F) An option in the Control Panel to customize the way
error messages such as the Blue Screen are presented
8. If you could meet Bill Gates for one minute, what would you say?
A) "Can you give me a loan for a million or so?"
B) "I just love all the new features in Windows 98!"
C) "Could you autograph this box of Windows 98 for me?"
D) "I really enjoyed reading 'Business @ the Speed of
Thought'. It's so cool!"
E) "Give the government hell, Bill!"
9. Which of the following do you prefer as a replacement
for the current Microsoft slogan?
A) "Over 20 Years of Innovation"
B) "Wintel Inside"
C) "Your Windows And Gates To The World"
D) "Because Anti-Trust Laws Are Obsolete"
E) "One Microsoft Way. It's Much More Than An Address!"
F) "This Motto Is Not Anti-Competitive. And Neither Is
G) "Fighting the Department of Injustice Since Day One"
10. In which of the following ways has Microsoft software
been able to improve your life?
A) The feature in Windows 95 that alerts me to changes in
Daylight Saving Time is wonderful; I'll never be late to
B) Instead of the weather, I find that talking about the
latest Office virus outbreak to be an excellent
ice-breaker at parties.
C) The high marketshare of Windows means that I can write a
program in Visual Basic or Visual C++ and it will work
without modification on millions of computer systems
around the globe. This means I can make more money as a
software developer. Of course, I'd never dream of
writing a program that competed with a Microsoft
11. What are your feelings about that fact that you are
required to complete this questionnaire in order to
obtain the innovative Windows 98 Second Edition upgrade?
A) I don't mind giving demographic information to large
B) What's good for Microsoft is good for me... and the
C) No problem, it's just a simple survey.
D) I like taking surveys.
12. If one of your friends, co-workers, or relatives forwarded
you a ficticious Microsoft press release or joke via email, how would
A) I'd reply with a joke that's actually funny, something
like "Top Ten Reasons Why Janet Reno Is Evil" or "How
Many 14 Year Old Linux Hackers Does It Take To Screw In
B) I'd subscribe them to a bunch of pro-Microsoft mailing
C) I'd forward their name to the Microsoft Legal Department
for a possible libel lawsuit.
D) I'd change my email address so I wouldn't receive any
more garbage from them again.
13. Which of the following new Microsoft products do you
plan on buying within the next 6 months?
A) Windows For Babies(tm) - Using an enhanced
"click-n-drool" interface, babies will be able to learn
how to use a Wintel computer, giving them a head start
in living in a Microsoft-led world.
B) Where In Redmond Is Carmen Sandiego?(tm) - The
archvillian Sandiego has stolen the Windows source code
and must be stopped before she can publish it on the
Net. You must track her through the streets of Redmond
and apprehend her.
C) ActiveKeyboard 99(tm) - An ergonomic keyboard that
replaces useless keys like SysRq and Scroll Lock with
handy keys like "Play Solitaire" and "Visit
D) Visual BatchFile(tm) - An IDE and compiler for the
MS-DOS batch file language. MSNBC calls it "better than
14. How would you rate the performance of the Microsoft
defense team in the antitrust trial?
A) Perfect; they have clearly shown that Microsoft's market
leading position is good for consumers.
B) Outstanding; all of the pundits who are predicting that
Microsoft will lose are a bunch of idiots.
C) Excellent; Bill Gates' wonderful video deposition
clearly demonstrated to the American public that he is a
D) I don't know; I haven't been paying any attention to the
case because I know Microsoft will prevail anyways.
15. In your opinion, what companies should Microsoft seek
to acquire in the coming year?
A) Disney. I'd like to see a cute animated movie starring
Clippit the Office Assistant.
B) CBS. I'd like to see a new line-up featuring must-watch
shows like "Touched by a Microserf", "Redmond Hope",
"Everybody Loves Bill", "The Late Show With Steve
Ballmer", and "60 Minutes... of Microsoft
C) Google. Microsoft could drastically improve the quality
and performance of this search engine by migrating it
from Linux to Windows NT servers.
D) Lowes Hardware Stores. Every copy of Windows 2000 could
come bundled with a coupon for a free kitchen sink or a
16. How many times a day do you reboot your Windows
E) Only when the power goes out
17. If Bill Gates were to run for elected office in the
next 6 years, would you vote for him?
C) Sure, he couldn't possibly be any worse than Al Gore.
D) Yes, Bill G. will stand up for the right to innovate.
E) Yes, because I doubt this Bill would ever get involved
with any sex scandals involving interns.
18. Witnessing the popularity of "Dilbert", Microsoft has
plans to launch a syndicated comic strip featuring life at
Microsoft. What characters would you like to see in such a
A) Judge Jackson, the goofy court judge who is always
making foolish (and funny) decisions
B) Bob, a wacky Microsoft programmer who likes to insert
easter eggs in his work, and who is addicted to playing
"Age of Empires"
C) Bill Gates, the intelligent nerd extraordinaire who
always gets his way by simply giving people large sums
D) Ed Muth, the Microsoft spokesman who keeps putting his
foot in his mouth. When not in public, however, he's a
surprisingly sexy "chic magnet".
E) Poorard Stalinman, the radical leader of a tiny movement
of hackers to provide "free" software for the masses at
the expense of Capitalistic values
Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to
complete this mandatory survey and thank you for choosing
James S. Baughn
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