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[humorix] Microsoft Mandatory Survey 1.1

Microsoft Mandatory Survey 1.1
June 26, 1999

A member of our Vast Spy Network(tm) sent word of yet
another Microsoft dirty trick (we're getting sick of
these). People wanting to "upgrade" to Windows 98 Second
Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before
they can order the bugfix/upgrade.

Here is a copy of the survey that our spy was able to


Dear Valued Customer -

Please fill out the following survey honestly and
accurately. You may select one or more choices for each
question.  The results of this survey will be used to
increase innovation and benefit consumers.


Mark Eating,
VP of Demographics Research

1. What is your opinion of the Microsoft antitrust trial?

A) The DoJ is wasting taxpayer's money.  Now, if the DOJ
   were to upgrade all of its computer systems to Windows,
   then the department would be making wise use of tax
B) All of the Microsoft email messages that the evil
   government has presented as evidence are obviously taken
   out of context or have been completely twisted around. 
   I mean, c'mon, Bill Gates would never say "let's cut off
   their air supply" in a memo; it's an obvious
C) Judge Jackson is obviously biased in favor of the DOJ's
   vigilante persecution of Microsoft.
D) If Microsoft loses, it will be the gravest miscarriage
   of justice in all the history of mankind.

2. When did you stop using the obsolete Unix OS and upgrade
to Windows NT?

A) Two years ago
B) One year ago
C) Within the last few months
D) I've never used it because I consider Unix to be crappy
   1970's technology.
E) I still use it because I'm forced to at work, but I have
   plans to smuggle in a Windows box to increase my

3. Have you ever experimented with the freeware Linux OS
created by a group of anarchist acne-laden teenagers via
the Internet?

A) No, I'd never trust my work to a piece of non-Microsoft
B) No, I'd never trust my computer to a piece of software
   that has a restrictive license agreement such as the GNU
C) No, I don't want to mess with the ancient command line
   interface Linux imposes on its users.
D) Yes, but I quickly migrated back to modern Windows NT
   after I had trouble figuring out how to boot the thing
   from the cryptic LILO prompt.

4. What is your favorite Microsoft Office feature?

A) Dancing Paper Clip
B) Takes up enough hard drive space to prevent my children
   from installing violent video games or downloading
C) Everyone else has it, so I can easily exchange documents
   with others
D) I have so many favorites, I can't choose just one!

5. Where do you want to go today?(tm)

A) To Washington, D.C. to meet Janet Reno and cuss her out
   for persecuting Microsoft
B) To Redmond, WA to take a tour of the Microsoft campus
C) To the software store to purchase a new piece of
   Microsoft software
D) To my local school district to convince the
   administration to upgrade the Macintoshes in the
   computer labs to Wintel systems
E) I don't know about myself, but I'd like to see so-called
   "consumer advocates" like Ralpha Nader go to Hell.

6. Do you plan on upgrading to Windows 2000 when it is
released in 2000 (or 2001)?

A) Of course, I always upgrade to the latest versions to
   take advantage of new features and usability
B) Yes, but only after I buy a new system that meets
   Windows 2000's system requirements
C) Yes, but only if Internet Explorer is  still integrated
   with it.  If the evil government attempts to stifle
   innovation by forcing Microsoft to unbundle IE from
   Windows, then I'll stick with Windows 98.

7. What new features would you like to see in the next
version of Windows?

A) A marquee on the taskbar that automatically scrolls the
   latest headlines from MSNBC
B) Content filtration software for Internet Explorer that
   will prevent my children from accessing dangerous
   propaganda about "open source software".
C) A new card game; I've spent over 10,000 hours playing
   Solitaire during my free time at work and I'm starting
   to get bored with it
D) A screensaver depicting cream pies being thrown at Janet
   Reno, Joel Klien, David Boies, Ralpha Nader, Orrin
   Hatch, Linus Torvalds, Richard M. Stallman,  and other
   conspirators out to destroy Microsoft
E) A Reinstall Wizard that helps me reinstall a fresh copy
   of Windows to fix Registry corruptions and other known
F) An option in the Control Panel to customize the way
   error messages such as the Blue Screen are presented

8. If you could meet Bill Gates for one minute, what would you say?

A) "Can you give me a loan for a million or so?"
B) "I just love all the new features in Windows 98!"
C) "Could you autograph this box of Windows 98 for me?"
D) "I really enjoyed reading 'Business @ the Speed of
   Thought'.  It's so cool!"
E) "Give the government hell, Bill!"

9. Which of the following do you prefer as a replacement
for the current Microsoft slogan?

A) "Over 20 Years of Innovation"
B) "Wintel Inside"
C) "Your Windows And Gates To The World"
D) "Because Anti-Trust Laws Are Obsolete"
E) "One Microsoft Way.  It's Much More Than An Address!"
F) "This Motto Is Not Anti-Competitive.  And Neither Is
G) "Fighting the Department of Injustice Since Day One"

10. In which of the following ways has Microsoft software
been able to improve your life?

A) The feature in Windows 95 that alerts me to changes in
   Daylight Saving Time is wonderful; I'll never be late to
   work again!
B) Instead of the weather, I find that talking about the
   latest Office virus outbreak to be an excellent
   ice-breaker at parties.
C) The high marketshare of Windows means that I can write a
   program in Visual Basic or Visual C++ and it will work
   without modification on millions of computer systems
   around the globe.  This means I can make more money as a
   software developer.  Of course, I'd never dream of
   writing a program that competed with a Microsoft

11. What are your feelings about that fact that you are
required to complete this questionnaire in order to 
obtain the innovative Windows 98 Second Edition upgrade?

A) I don't mind giving demographic information to large
   multinational corporations.
B) What's good for Microsoft is good for me... and the
C) No problem, it's just a simple survey.
D) I like taking surveys.

12. If one of your friends, co-workers, or relatives forwarded
you a ficticious Microsoft press release or joke via email, how would
you respond?

A) I'd reply with a joke that's actually funny, something
   like "Top Ten Reasons Why Janet Reno Is Evil" or "How
   Many 14 Year Old Linux Hackers Does It Take To Screw In
   A Lightbulb?"
B) I'd subscribe them to a bunch of pro-Microsoft mailing
C) I'd forward their name to the Microsoft Legal Department
   for a possible libel lawsuit.
D) I'd change my email address so I wouldn't receive any
   more garbage from them again.

13. Which of the following new Microsoft products do you
plan on buying within the next 6 months?

A) Windows For Babies(tm) - Using an enhanced
   "click-n-drool" interface, babies will be able to learn
   how to use a Wintel computer, giving them a head start
   in living in a Microsoft-led world.
B) Where In Redmond Is Carmen Sandiego?(tm) - The
   archvillian Sandiego has stolen the Windows source code
   and must be stopped before she can publish it on the
   Net.  You must track her through the streets of Redmond
   and apprehend her.
C) ActiveKeyboard 99(tm) - An ergonomic keyboard that
   replaces useless keys like SysRq and Scroll Lock with
   handy keys like "Play Solitaire" and "Visit
D) Visual BatchFile(tm) - An IDE and compiler for the
   MS-DOS batch file language.  MSNBC calls it "better than

14. How would you rate the performance of the Microsoft
defense team in the antitrust trial?

A) Perfect; they have clearly shown that Microsoft's market
   leading position is good for consumers.
B) Outstanding; all of the pundits who are predicting that
   Microsoft will lose are a bunch of idiots.
C) Excellent; Bill Gates' wonderful video deposition
   clearly demonstrated to the American public that he is a
   true visionary.
D) I don't know; I haven't been paying any attention to the
   case because I know Microsoft will prevail anyways.

15. In your opinion, what companies should Microsoft seek
to acquire in the coming year?

A) Disney.  I'd like to see a cute animated movie starring
   Clippit the Office Assistant.
B) CBS.  I'd like to see a new line-up featuring must-watch
   shows like "Touched by a Microserf", "Redmond Hope",
   "Everybody Loves Bill", "The Late Show With Steve
   Ballmer", and "60 Minutes... of Microsoft
C) Google.  Microsoft could drastically improve the quality
   and performance of this search engine by migrating it
   from Linux to Windows NT servers.
D) Lowes Hardware Stores.  Every copy of Windows 2000 could
   come bundled with a coupon for a free kitchen sink or a
   free window!

16. How many times a day do you reboot your Windows

A) None
B) Zero
C) Zilch
D) Nada
E) Only when the power goes out

17. If Bill Gates were to run for elected office in the
next 6 years, would you vote for him?

A) Okay
B) Fine
C) Sure, he couldn't possibly be any worse than Al Gore.
D) Yes, Bill G. will stand up for the right to innovate.
E) Yes, because I doubt this Bill would ever get involved
   with any sex scandals involving interns.

18. Witnessing the popularity of "Dilbert", Microsoft has
plans to launch a syndicated comic strip featuring life at
Microsoft.  What characters would you like to see in such a
comic strip?

A) Judge Jackson, the goofy court judge who is always
   making foolish (and funny) decisions
B) Bob, a wacky Microsoft programmer who likes to insert
   easter eggs in his work, and who is addicted to playing
   "Age of Empires"
C) Bill Gates, the intelligent nerd extraordinaire who
   always gets his way by simply giving people large sums
   of money
D) Ed Muth, the Microsoft spokesman who keeps putting his
   foot in his mouth.  When not in public, however, he's a
   surprisingly sexy "chic magnet".
E) Poorard Stalinman, the radical leader of a tiny movement
   of hackers to provide "free" software for the masses at
   the expense of Capitalistic values

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to
complete this mandatory survey and thank you for choosing


James S. Baughn

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