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FW: Rules for Computer Tech Support

Check this out.  I got this off a mailing list.  Some of them were pretty 

----Original Message Follows----
From: "Burns, Mike J" <MBurns@pinacor.com>
To: "'vbn@chronic.lpl.arizona.edu'" <vbn@chronic.lpl.arizona.edu>
Subject: FW:  Rules for Computer Tech Support
Date: Tue, 27 Jul 1999 15:59:05 -0700

If figured we have enough tecno-nerds on this list to enjoy this one... :)

Michael J Burns

 > A peek into the thoughts of computer techs worldwide
 > ...an end user's guide to technical services.
 > 1.  When a tech says he's coming right over, log out
 > and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember
 > 2700 network passwords.
 > 2.  When you call us to have your computer moved,
 > be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,
 > baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling
 > trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and
 > we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of
 > yours.
 > 3.  When tech support sends you an e-mail with high
 > importance, delete it at once. We're probably just
 > testing out the public groups.
 > 4.  When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right
 > in and spill your guts out and expect him to respond
 > immediately. We exist only to serve and are always
 > ready to think about fixing computers.
 > 5.  When a tech is at the water cooler or outside
 > having a smoke, ask him a computer question.
 > The only reason why we drink water or smoke at
 > all is to ferret out all those users who don't have
 > eMail or a telephone line.
 > 6.  Send urgent eMail ALL IN UPPERCASE.
 > The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush
 > delivery.
 > 7.  When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to
 > skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of
 > town for a week, record your message, and wait
 > exactly 24 hours before you send an eMail straight
 > to the director because no one ever returned your
 > call. You're entitled to common courtesy.
 > 8.  When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer
 > support.  There's electronics in it, right?
 > 9.  When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message
 > at home, call computer support. We can even fix
 > telephone problems from here.
 > 10.  When something's wrong with your home PC, dump
 > it on a tech's chair with no name, no phone number, and
 > no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.
 > 11.  When you have a tech on the phone walking you
 > through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't
 > actually mean for you to DO anyhing; we just love to
 > hear ourselves talk.
 > 12.  When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade,
 > don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.
 > 13.  When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least
 > 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the
 > cosmos for no reason.
 > 14.  When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send
 > the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is
 > bound to work.
 > 15.   Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
 > 16.   If you're taking night classes in computer science,
 > feel free to go around and update the network drivers for
 > you and all your coworkers.  We're grateful for the overtime
 > when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.
 > 17.  When you have a tech fixing your computer at a
 > quarter past one, eat your lunch in his face. We function
 > better when slightly dizzy.
 > 18.  Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!
 > 19.  When a tech asks you whether you've installed any
 > new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business
 > what you've got on your computer.
 > 20.  If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed
 > picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable
 > under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of
 > computer sitting on top of them.
 > 21.   If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame
 > it on the mail upgrade.   Keyboards work much better with
 > half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky
 > drops of Coke under the keys.
 > 22.   When you get the message saying "Are you sure?",
 > click on that Yes button as fast as you can.  Hell, if you
 > weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
 > 23.   Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know
 > nothing about that computer crap".  It never bothers us to
 > hear our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
 > 24.   When you need to change the toner cartridge, call
 > tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely
 > complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it
 > be performed only by a professional engineer with a
 > Master's degree in nuclear physics.
 > 25.   When something's the matter with your computer,
 > ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the
 > challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't
 > know anything about the problem.
 > 26.   When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to
 > everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got
 > plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail
 > server.
 > 27.   Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into
 > smaller chunks.  God forbid somebody else might get a
 > chance to squeeze into the queue.
 > 28.   When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a
 > Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even
 > while at the grocery store on weekends.
 > 29.   If your son is a student in computer science, have him
 > come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office
 > computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of
 > Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.
 > 30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair
 > for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so
 > your son can get back to playing DOOM.  We'll get right on it
 > because we have so much free time at the office.  Everybody
 > knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.

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