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humor: aug 01 -- Sunday Stuff

                              Nick's G-Rated Humor List


But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone,
and we'll assimilate you later.


Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself
with one of these magnets.


Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in
the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast
is done... (Cachunk!)


Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.


E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father.
Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.


This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave
your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's
vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious."


Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.
We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the
tone, please hang up.


I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating
my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings
assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.


I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message,
but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for
you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like,
wait, gosh. This is so confusing.


The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed.
The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.


Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you
owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.


Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

  From:       Josanne
  Subject: "Serious Stuff"

Be understanding to your enemies,
Be loyal to your friends.

Be strong enough to face the world each day.
Be weak enough to know you cannot do everything alone.

Be generous to those who need your help.
Be frugal with what you need yourself.

Be wise enough to know that you do not know everything.
Be foolish enough to believe in miracles.

Be willing to share your joys.
Be willing to share the sorrows of others.

Be a leader when you see a path others have missed.
Be a follower when you are shrouded by the mists of

Be the first to congratulate an opponent who succeeds.
Be the last to criticize a colleague who fails.

Be sure where your next step will fall, so that you will not
tumble [or at least be sure of Who knows your next step,
and have faith that He can keep you steady!].

Be loving to those who love you.
Be loving to those who do not love you, and they may change.

Above all, be yourself.


 The Gospel According to Kids

 Here are allegedly real statements
 from children that bungle Biblical

 Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

 Moses died before he ever reached Canada. (true)

 Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol

 St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

 One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. .

 The greatest miracle in the Bible is
 when Joshua told his son to stand
 still and he obeyed him.

Here are some more "God Speaks" billboards:
simple black backgrounds with white text.

"Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game."  -God

"We need to talk."  -God

"C'mon over and bring the kids."  -God

"What part of 'Thou Shalt Not...' didn't you understand?"  -God

"Keep using my name in vain, and I'll make rush hour longer."  -God

"Loved the wedding.  Now invite me to the marriage."  -God

"Will the road you're on get you to my place?"  -God

"Follow me."  -God

"Big bang theory?  You've got to be kidding."  -God

"Do you have any idea where you're going?"  -God

"You think it's hot here?"  -God

"Don't make me come down there."  -God

"My way is the highway."  -God

"Need directions?"  -God

"Have you read my #1 best seller?  There will be a test."  -God

"That 'Love Thy Neighbor' thing.....I meant it."  -God

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                      humor                            1.94.3+