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> Because I'm a guy...
> Copyright 1999 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com
> [Please do NOT remove the copyright from this essay!]
> Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my
> hand while I watch TV.  If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a
> whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by
> holding a calculator.
> Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with
> a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road
> service until long after hypothermia has set in.  Oh, and when the
> car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the
> engine as if I know what I'm looking at.  If another guy shows up,
> one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these
> things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't
> know where to start."  We will then drink beer.
> Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me
> soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.  You never get
> as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
> Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries
> at the store, like milk, or bread.  I cannot be expected to find
> exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu."  For all I know these are the
> same thing.  And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up
> anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
> Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will
> insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
> me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it
> back together.
> Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't
> think we should stop and ask someone.  Why would you listen to a
> complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're going?
> Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
> about.  The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to
> make up something else when you ask, so don't.
> Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
> mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
> her any more than I have to.  Whatever you got her for mother's day
> is ok, I don't need to see it.  Did you remember to pick up something
> for my mom, too?
> Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I
> really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when
> it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I
> have to go hunt down another.  I will find it increasingly hilarious
> to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I
> don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard.
> What's the connection?
> Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
> Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
> Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce
> Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you
> every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of
> Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in
> Paris and everyone visits his grave.  Please do not behave as if you
> do not find this fascinating.
> Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine.  I thought
> what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.  Either pair of
> shoes is fine.  With the belt or without it looks fine.  Your hair is
>  fine.  You look fine.  Can we just go now?
> Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share
>  equally in the housework.  You do the laundry, the cooking, the
> cleaning, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
> The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter
> Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1999
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