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humor: jun 24 -- Airline Stories

                              Nick's G-Rated Humor List

Re: humor: jun 23 -- I'm The Greatest!
Subscriber Molly writes to say "that story is a
country song by Kenny Rogers on his newest CD,
I must say it is a very good song. But thought
you should know who sang the song.
				   ---- Molly"

Real (?) stories from Airline Flight Attendants
apologizing for rough transport  ....


Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry
folks for the hard landing.  It wasn't the pilot's fault,
and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline
had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying
XYZ airline."  He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a
hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone
would have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had gotten off except
for this little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sonny,
mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no" said the pilot, Ma'am, what
is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"


>From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee..

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY.  To operate
your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight.  It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out
in public unsupervised.

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,
and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with
you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.

"If you are traveling with two small children, decide now
which one you love more.

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but they'll try to  have them fixed
before we arrive.

"Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your
money, more than Southwest Airlines."


United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all
now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle.  From
all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying
with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead
bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during
our so called "touchdown."


About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight
into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day.
I could tell during the final approach that the Captain was
really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announces, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with
your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"


Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."


Overheard by a guy giving rides: "Sorry about the rough
landing, but I'm practicing for a job at SAS. Next time
I'll try to lose your luggage."


I was on a Southwest flight once that was delayed at the gate
after everyone boarded.   The flight attendant said over the
intercom, "We're sorry for the delay.  The machine that normally
rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having
to do it by hand.  We should be finished and on our way

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