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Joke: Airplane Humor

Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flights crews.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that
have been heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs
are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact
a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the
birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and
raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if
you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing:  "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of
us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the
overhead bins.  The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft
is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during
taxiing.  Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft
comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they
leave the aircraft."

Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen
masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own
mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some
of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them
are on this flight."