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Joke: One Liners

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow 
isn't looking good either.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make when 
they go flying by.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through chunky peanut 
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life:  1. Never tell 
everything you know.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines