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FW: Why I exercise soooo much

-----Original Message-----
From: John Miller [mailto:jmiller@bitcorp.net]
Sent: Thursday, July 09, 1998 5:10 PM
To: 'Bill Robertson'; 'Dan Monson'; 'Monique Boeke'; 'Ray Malheiro';
'Rod Thomas'; 'Ron Wells'; 'Terry Blanchard'
Subject: Why I exercise soooo much


For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of sessions with a
personal trainer at the local health club.  Though still in great shape from
when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good
idea to go ahead and try it.  I called and made reservations with someone
named Tanya, who said she is a 26 year-old aerobics instructor and athletic
clothing model.  My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to
get started.

 Day 1)  They suggest that I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress
this week.  Started the morning at 6:00 am.  Tough to get up, but worth it
when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me.  She's
something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She
showed me the machines and took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.
She seemed a little alarmed that my pulse was so high, but I think just
standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about 10 points.  I
enjoyed watching the aerobics class.  Tanya was very encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the
whole time I was talking to her.  This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2)  Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it.
Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air.
Then she had me put weights on it, for heaven's sake!  Legs were a little
wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all
worth it.  Muscles felt GREAT.

Day 3)  The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I am certain that I
have developed a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was okay as long as I
didn't try to steer.  I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little
more impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club
members.  The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the Stairmaster.  Why would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the
invention of elevators?  Tanya told me that regular exercise would make me
live longer.  I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4)  Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I
can't help it if I was half an hour late; it took me that long just to tie
my shoes.  She wanted me to lift dumbbells.  Not a chance, Tanya. The word
"dumb" must be in there for a reason.  I hid in the men's room until she
sent Lars looking for me.  As punishment, she made me try the rowing
machine.  It sank.

Day 5)  I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world.  If there was any part of my body
not in extreme pain, I would hit her with it.  She thought it would be a
good idea to work in my triceps.  Well, I have news for you, Tanya; I don't
have triceps,  And if you don't want dents on the floor, don't hand me any
barbells.  I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage.  YOU went to
sadist school, YOU are to blame.  The dreadmill flung me back into a science
teacher, which hurt like crazy.  Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like a music or social studies teacher?

Day 6)  Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am.
I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight
hours of the weather channel.

Day 7)  Well, that's the week.  Thank goodness that's over.  Maybe next time
my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a free upper-colon
exam or gum surgery.

John Miller
404 W. Ironwood Drive
Salt Lake City, Utah 84115
(801)464-1665 Direct
(801)464-1600 Main
(801)464-1699 Fax
(801)464-1639 Direct Fax
"I will design no product before it is sold!"