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Joke: May 7 - Having Fun with Telemarketers!
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May 7, 1998
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HAVING FUN WITH TELEMARKETERS
- Submitted by E. Lister
------------------------------------
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I
keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money
I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want
to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems
to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is
acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try
to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about
your problems.
3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him
to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask
where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions
about the company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name
is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a
second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are
you wearing?"
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise,
"Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you
BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as
she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and
keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most
fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and
Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I
don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well,
how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but
necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or,
"That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to
marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't
give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling
from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a
group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a
policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you
their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not
allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number
and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most
effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says,
"Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you
know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
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