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Many misc jokes

A sales representative, was driving home when he saw a group of young children 
selling Kool-Aid on a corner in his neighborhood.  They had posted the typical 
hand-scrawled sign over their stand:  "Kool-Aid, 10 cents."  The rep was 
intrigued. He pulled over to the curb.  A young man approached and asked if he 
would like strawberry or grape Kool-Aid.  The rep placed his order and handed 
the boy a quarter.  After much deliberation, the children determined he had 
some change coming and rifled through the cigar box until they finally came up 
with the correct amount. The boy returned with the change, then stood by the 
side of the car. He asked if the rep was finished drinking.

"Just about," said the rep. "Why?"

"That's the only cup we have," answered the boy, "and we need it to stay in 

Q: How do you make a Polock crazy?
A: Stick him in a round room and tell him to piss in a corner.

Q: Why don't Polocks make ice cubes anymore?
A: They lost the recipe.

Q: A black, a Mexican, and a Polock jump off the top of a building.
   Which one landed first?

A: The black.  The Mexican stopped to spray-paint his name on the side of a
   building, and the Polock got lost.

Q: What is one of the most famous Polock inventions?
A: A screen door on a submarine.

One morning, the offices of IBM headquarters were covered with the admonition: 

The next morning the walls of the offices bore an additional sign beneath the 
other one:  OR THWIM.

A salesman decided to become a policeman.  Several months later, a friend 
asked him how he liked his new job.

"Well," he replied, "the pay isn't great and the hours are long, but one thing 
I really like is that the customer is always wrong."

The manager asked his new secretary, "Why don't you ever answer the phone?"

"Why should I?" the secretary retorted. "Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"

It seems that a man entered a restaruant and sat at the only open table.  As 
he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.  A nearby 
waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on 
the table.  The diner was impressed.  "Do all the waiters carry spoons in 
their pockets?"   The waiter replied "Yes.  Ever since we had that efficiency 
expert out; he determined that 47.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the 
table.  By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal.  As he was paying the waiter, he commented "Forgive 
the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"  
The waiter replied "Yes, we all do.  Seems that the same efficiency expert 
determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's 
room.  So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis.  When I need to 
go, I simply pull the string, go, and return to work.  Having never touched 
myself, there is no need to wash my hands.  Saves a lot of time." "Wait a 
minute", said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"  
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Fred Allen once quipped that a celebrity is one who works to be known, then 
wears dark glasses so as not to be recognized.

Tip O'Neill tells a great story on himself. O'Neill had a chance encounter 
with a man while waiting in an airport not too long ago.  After a few minutes 
the man said to O'Neill, "Say, you don't recongize me, do you?"  "No, I really 
don't think so," said the senator.  "You see, I'm so well known.  I have this 
big shock of white hair and this large red nose, and I'm on the TV news two or 
three times a week. A lot of people recognize me, but I can't keep track of 
all the people I meet. Who are you?"  The man answered, "We met at a dinner 
party about six weeks ago in Washington.  My name is Robert Redford."

Fitness expert Jack LaLanne declares that he may never die. "It would wreck my 
image," he explains. "I can't even afford to have a fat dog."


Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in block 
#3 of the accident reporting form.  I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my 
accident.  You stated, in your letter, that I should explain more fully, and I 
trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade.  On the day of the accident I was working on the 
roof of a new six-story building.  When I completed my work, I discovered that 
I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over.  Rather than carry the bricks down 
by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which 
fortunately, was attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out 
and loaded the bricks into it.  Then I went back to the ground and untied the 
rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. 
You will note in Block #11 of the accident reporting form that my weight is 
135 pounds.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my 
presence of mind and didn't think to let go of the rope.  Needless to say, I 
proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel that was now proceeding 
in a downward direction at an equally impressive rate of speed.  This explains 
the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in 
Section III of the accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the 
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley that I 
mentioned in paragraph #2 of this correspondence.

Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to 
hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now 
beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground 
and the bottom fell out of the barrel.  Now devoid of the weight of the bricks 
the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in Block #11.  As you might imagine, I began a 
rapid descent down the side of the building.  In the vicinity of the third 
floor, I met the barrel coming up.  This accounts for the two fractured 
ankles, broken teeth, and the severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.  The encounter with the barrel seemed 
to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of broken 
bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the pile of bricks in 
pain, unable to move and looking up at the empty barrel, six stories above me, 
I once again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope.

                  Why Beer is Better than Woman?

1.   Beer is never late.
2.   You don`t have to wine and dine a beer before you have it.
3.   Beer never has a headache. (One may dispute of course)
4.   Beer label comes off without any problem.
5.   You always know you are the first one to pop a beer.
6.   A beer is always wet.
7.   A frigid beer is always better.
8.   You don`t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
9.   A beer always goes down easy.
10.  If you pour a beer right, you know you will get good head.
11.  A beer does not care when you come.
12.  Beer stains washout.
13.  You can enjoy a beer all month long.
14.  You can have a beer in public.
15.  You can share a beer with your friends.
16.  A beer does not get jealous when you grab another beer.
17.  A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
18.  You can have more than one beer a night & not feel guilty.

Hooker says:       "Aren't you done yet?"
Girlfriend says:   "Are you done already?"
Wife says:         "Ceiling needs painted."

Strutting around on Easter morning, a rooster spied a basket full of brightly 
coloured eggs.  He shook his head - thought a while - then made a beeline 
across the barnyard and kicked the daylights out of the peacock...

Children in the back seat cause accidents.

Accidents in the back seat cause children.

Two men were living on a houseboat.  One night, while the men were sleeping, 
the boat broke loose from its mooring and drifted into the open sea.  One of 
the men got up in the morning before his mate and, going out on deck, noticed 
there was no land in sight anywhere.  Excitedly, he called to his mate, "Joe, 
get up quick; we ain't here any more!"

Comedian Henny Youngman tells about the time he was thrown out of an antique 
shop.  "All I did," he said, "was walk in and ask, `What's new?'"

They recently discoverd a *new* planet - not even in our solar sytem, about 
30,000 light years away.  People are still fighting over what to name it.  The 
best suggestion I've heard yet was to call the planet "Sununu" because of the 
amount of travel time it would take to get there...

Cleanliness is next to Godliness

Only in the Irish Dictionary !

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy ?

I don't know .. and I don't care

The wife and her two sons were seated on the front pew.  The songs had been 
sung and the preacher began to preach about the departed brother:

    "He was a man's man."  "Amen," said the congregation.
    "He was a man who worked hard."  And a few said "Amen."
    "He was a man the bottle could not control."
    "Amen," said one or two mourners.
    "He was a man who loved his home and wife and children."
    "He was a man who paid his debts and a man who told the truth."  Amens

The poor wife could stand it no longer, so she told one of her sons, "Joe, go 
up and look in the casket and see if that's your daddy he's talking about."

One old fellow died. He had always been a scoundrel.  He was mean to his wife, 
and neglected his children.  He had never darkened the door of the church. 
They had a graveside service.

The local Baptist pastor performed the service.  People wondered what the good 
pastor would say about him.  Finally the big moment came and he faced the 
congregation and said, "Well now, beloved, you know he wasn't as bad all the 
time as he was most of the time!"

When Ulysses S. Grant discussed why he voted for James Buchanan over John C. 
Fremont in 1856, he simply said, "I knew Fremont."

Will Rogers once said, "Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to 
sell your parrot to the town gossip."

  Did you hear about the gay who died of AIDS?  What made him the most
mad was leaving his friends behind.

One day God was walking along the fence between Heaven and Hell, and he 
noticed that part of it was damaged.  So he called the Devil over and said, 
"Look at this fence--I'll pay for part of the repair if you pay for part of 

The Devil sneered and said, "No way!  If you want it fixed, YOU pay for it."  

To which God said, "It's partly your fence!  If you don't pay up, I'll sue 

And the Devil sneered, "Hah!  Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

A Texan died and went to heaven, St Peter Greeted him and took the Texan on 
the Grand Tour.  First St. Peter showed him a beautiful mountain range.  
"Shoot they look like Big Ben in West Texas."

Then St. Peter showed him a beautiful beach with white sand calm peaceful 
breeze.  "This looks just like Corpus Christi."

St Peter then showed the Texan a forest with plenty of game animals running 
around.  "Now that looks just like East Texas."

St. Peter feeling outraged took the Texan to a hole, pointing down he said 
"see that, that is hell" the Texan peered into the hole.  Whistled and said, 
"You know there's a couple of boys down in Houston that can put that fire out 
for you."

The more a person is addicted to a vice, the less he cares for advice.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average 
man can see a lot better than he can think.

Man is a 150 pound non-linear servo-mechanism that can be wholly reproduced by 
unskilled labor. - engineer's saying.

Outer beauty attracts a man's eye, but inner beauty attracts his heart.

If a man wants his dreams to come true, he must first wake up.

I don't know much about girls - just what I've been able to pick up!

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

A girl's kisses usually leave something to be desired...like the rest of her!

Familiarity breeds attempt.

Everybody makes mistakes.  That's why a lot of us are here!

Remember the good old days, when sex was dirty and the air was clean?

Few things are more expensive than a girl who is free for the evening.

I love you more than you'll ever know.....

"I love you terribly," said the boy.
"You certainly do," said the girlfriend.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night - I controlled myself!

Man: A creature who professes his superior intelligence in the face of all 
conflicting evidence.

A girl can be poor at history, but great on dates.

Song Title: I used to kiss her on the lips, but it's all over now.

A man has reached old age when he can't take "yes" for an answer.

A lot of girls believe in love at first sight;
A lot of men believe in it at first opportunity.

There's nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on his 

A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far.

A wedding band is the smallest handcuff in the world.

Twenty years ago I asked for my wife's hand, and it's been in my pocket ever 

We've been happily married for 7 years....7 out of 15 ain't bad.

A man is complete until he's married - then he's really finished!

I never knew what true happiness was until I got married, but then it was too 

The reason they don't give the groom a shower is because everyone figures he 
all washed up anyway.

I'd divorce my husband, except I couldn't stand to see him so happy.

My best friend ran away with my wife, and I sure do miss him!

My wife treats me like a king.  If I come home late, she crowns me!

My wife had an hourglass figure, but then all the sand went to the bottom.

My wife has friends she hasn't even used yet.

I would like to buy a box of candy for the woman I love, but my wife won't let 

I gave my wife a going away present, but she won't go away.

Wife   : I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are!
Husband: You should have known that the minute I asked!

Quoted: Son, when you get married, marry an ugly, mean woman.
That way, if she ever leave you, you'll be happy.

If all brides are beautiful, where do so many ugly women come from?

Some day my wife's gonna go too far, and I hope she stays there.

She looks like a million- every year of it!

Not all men are fools. Some of them are bachelors.

A bachelor is someone who comes to work from a different direction every 

One thing worse than being a bachelor is being a bachelor's son.

A bachelor is a man who is lucky in love.

A bachelor is a man who can be miss-led only so far.

Bachelor: a man who can take women or leave them, and prefers to do both.

Boy: will you marry me?
Girl: No... but I'll always admire your good taste!

At a wedding: "I present Mr and Mrs _______. There will be a conception 
following the ceremony in the family life center, and the public is invited to 

Some women are like prizefighters- they won't go into action until they see 
the ring.

Every man like to see a broad smile... especially if the broad smiles at him!

That's a nice gown you're almost wearing!

She was a cover girl- for Farmer's Journal.

Did you hear that somebody is going to make a a "girly" magazine for married 
men?  Yep, it has the same centerfold picture every month!

Most men have their price, and some women have their figure.

Puppy love: the beginning of a dog's life.

He's dark and handsome.  When it's dark, he's handsome.

It's better to be the second husband of a widow than the first.

Question: why did god give women breasts?

Answer: so that men will talk to them

Has anybody heard about the bulimic birthday party?

The cake came out of the girl.

Why don't they ever have an olympics in Mexico?

Because every mexican that can high jump, pole vault and swim is already in 
the U.S.

What are three things a girl can do that a guy cannot?

   1.  Have her period
   2.  Have a baby
   3.  Have sex when she's dead

Did you hear that Dahmer was convicted of something else?

Selling ARMS to Iraq!

A neighbor of Jeffrey Dahmer's came to him to ask for some lettuce.

"I've got a couple of heads in the freezer," he replied

Jeffrey Dahmer had to move out of his apartment recently...

He didn't have enough ELBOW room...

But seriously... Jeff's out on bail now.

But it cost him an ARM and a LEG!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the opossom that it could be done.

Dahmer had a few friends over for dinner the other night.  While dining one 
friend said  "Boy your neighbors are terrible!"

Dahmer replied " Then try the salad" !!

According to news reports his bail has been increased!  Seems he was selling 
arms to Saddam Hussein!

Two of the arresting officers were so overcome with the sight of the crime 
seen that when one officer took Dahmer into custody, he was so overwhelmed by 
the sight of Dahmer's crime that he said:  "I Ought to give you a knuckle 

Dahmer's face lit up and he said. "Can I have mustard on that"

One of Dahmer's victims was a Polock.  All that way left of him was his head.
They called the victims mother in to make sure that it was her son.  She came 
to the crime seen and an officer took the Polock's head and another  head and 
held them both up in the air about waist high.  They asked if either one of 
these was her son.

She replied no, my son was much taller!

                                THE SCOTSMAN

A scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair;
One could tell by how he walked he'd drunk more than his share.
He stumbled on until he could no longer keep his feet,
He staggered off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

And later on two young and lovely girls just happened by;
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye:
'See yon sleepin' scotsman, so strong and handsome built!
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt.'

The crept up to the sleeping scotsman quiet as could be,
Lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see;
And there, behold, for them to view beneath his scottish skirt
Was nothing but what God had blessed him with upon his birth.

They marveled for a moment, then one said, 'We'd best begone;
But let's leave a present for our friend before we move along.'
And as a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star of the scot's kilt the lifting showed.

The scotsman woke to nature's call and staggered towards the trees;
Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and he gawks at what he sees,
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes:
'My friend, I don't know where you been, but I see you won first prize!'

   Even though children are deductible, they can also be very taxing.

The floorwalker of a department store discovered a little fellow standing near 
an escalator with his eyes glued upon the moving handrail.  "Something wrong, 
sonny?" asked the floorwalker.  "Nothing to worry about," the boy assured him. 
"I'm just waiting for my chewing gum to come back."

One minister was teaching a fifth grade Sunday School class about the life of 
John.  He told how John had lived in the wilderness with little or nothing to 
eat.  He commented that John had eaten only honey and locusts.  A little girl 
asked what locusts are.  The minister said,  "A locust is a grasshopper."  The 
little girl said, "Oh, my grandmother drinks those."

Taking care of your baby is easy, as long as you don't have anything else to 

Dear Mama:

Having good time, I think.  We take long hikes. Send my other sneaker.

Your son

Give me 200 active two-year olds and I can conquer the world. --

No one is thirstier than the child reluctantly gone to bed.

Two litle boys had turned their tree house into a space station.  Their lively 
imaginations had them fighting Star Wars all over again.  Suddenly the mother 
of one of them stood beneath the tree and shouted,  "Johnny Jones, you come 
home right now."  One of the little fellows said sheepishly to the other, "Uh, 
oh!  I believe I hear earth calling."

I love the story about the Sunday School teacher who was trying to teach the 
Ten Commandments to her young students.  She thought it would be most helpful 
if she used some concrete illustrations.  "Early one Saturday morning Johnny's 
parents were going shopping," she read to them.  "They asked Johnny to wash 
the dishes while they were gone. When they returned, however, Johnny was 
watching cartoons and the dishes still were unwashed."  In one accord the 
class responded, "Honor thy Father and Mother!"

"Good," said the teacher. "Ann went shopping with her mother but when no one 
was looking, she slipped a candy bar into her pocket." Again, the class was 
quick:  "Thou shalt not steal!"

"Great," said the teacher.  "Andy was a cruel little boy and had a bad temper. 
He got angry with his little sister one day and, grabbing her pet kitten, he 
threatened to pull its tail off."  Now this was a much tougher example. 
Everyone was real quiet for a moment but then one little fellow brightened up 
and shouted, "What God hath joined together let no man put asunder!"

One little fellow was asked who it was who went into the den of lions and 
survived.  He thought for a moment and replied confidently.  "It was Tarzan."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class who the first man was.  A little boy   
answered, "George Washington."  She then informed him that the first man was 
Adam.  The boy responded, "Oh, well, if you are speaking of foreigners, maybe 
he was."

what's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

the drunk doesn't have to go to the meetings!

A cartoon shows two boys walking to school, discussing their parents.  One of 
them says to the other one, "I've figured out a system for getting along with 
my Mom.  She tells me what to do and I do it."

Two theologians were walking across a seminary campus when one asked the 
other, "Do you believe in Original Sin?"  The other said, "Yes, I do.  We have 
a child."  "Do you believe in Total Depravity?" asked the first man.  "No, I 
don't. That is an excess of Calvinistic theology," replied the second.

The first replied, "Just wait until you have two children!"

I heard they've finally come out with a new translation for the Dead Sea 
Scrolls.  It starts out

              Operating Instructions



                [Version 1.0 Beta]
           [Bill Gates Software Inc.]

  "A penny saved...buys one piece of gum."
  "Where there's a will...there's a greedy son."
  "If you can't stand the heat...hop in the pool."
  "People who live in glass houses...don't take baths."

Little Johnny came home from Sunday School and told his mother that if he 
missed three Sundays in a row, the teacher would throw him into the furnace. 
The horrified mother telephoned the teacher at once.  "What I said was," the 
calm teacher explained, "that if any child missed three Sundays in a row, he 
would be dropped from the register."

A father took his small son to visit the family's new arrival in the nursery 
of a country hospital. From the large window where he stood, the boy could see 
15 tiny cribs in which 13 babies lay.

"Oh, look, Daddy!" he exclaimed. "They have two more traps set."

The fourth commandment: `Humor thy father and thy mother.'"

A mother held her three-year-old son on her lap and informed him that he would 
soon be a big brother.  She said that he could push the baby's carriage, hold 
the baby's bottle, and help by bringing her diapers.  The lad wriggled out of 
his mother's lap and with his hands on his hips, said seriously, "What are YOU 
going to be doing while I do all the work?"

"My son collects stamps--a very educational hobby," the doting mother boasted 
to her neighbor. "Just listen:  Kevin, tell us where Hungary is."

"Two pages in front of Italy," came the prompt reply.

September is when millions of shining, happy faces turn toward school.  They 
belong to mothers.

After the kids leave home, some parents suffer from the empty-nest syndrome; 
others change the locks.

A little boy had been named after his father.  One day his mother answered the 
phone and a child's voice asked to speak with George.

"Do you want little George or big George?" she asked.

"I think I want big George," was the reply, "you know, the one in third 

A bumper sticker: "If God Had Wanted A Democrat For President He Would Have 
Provided Them With A Candidate!".

Too many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

A little daughter entered her parent's room saying, "In my room there aren't 
any good dreams. May I sleep here?"

What did Mary Poppins do after she gave up the Nanny business?

Well, she moved to San Diego and opened up an occult herbalist shop that 
specialized in natural remedies for bad breath.  She had a sign outside her 
door that read:

Super California Mystic, Expert Halitosis.

A bittersweet racer's bit of comedy:  In a recent "On Track" magazine, there 
was a cartoon showing a pro GTP Sports Racing car, two crew guys and a 
driver.  The crew chief is introducing the driver to his assistant:  "Young 
Cranston, here, comes to us with five years of slot car experience and seven 
hundred thousand dollars".

A five-year-old lad was watching his mother change the baby.  When she over 
looked sprinkling the tot's back-side with talcum powder and hurried him into 
his diaper, the five-year-old reproved her sharply, "Hey, Mom, you forgot to 
salt him!"

Sam Levenson recalled a visit to a museum.  A string of little Levensons moved 
too slowly to please their father, who said, "Look kids if you have to stop 
and look at everything you're not going to see anything.

Mother's little darling returns from his first day of school.  "Oh, I hope you 
didn't cry," his mother says reassuringly. "I didn't," he says, "but boy the 
teacher sure did."

Jeffery Dahmer's Home Cooking Cookbook on sale for a limited time.  Just 
$19.95!!  Make the finest in Old-Wisconsin style foods that are among Jeff's 
favorite recipes.

*    Icebox Surprise Pie
*    Head Cheese
*    Terry Aki
*    Beans and Frank
*    Shish-K-Bob
*    Chuck Roast
*    Rump Roast
*    Baked Alaskan
*    Finger Sandwiches
*    Head Lettuce
*    Elbow Macaroni
*    Handburger
*    Moo Goo Guy (in a) Pan
*    Bob-B-Que
*    Sloppy Joe
*    ManWich
*    Mixed Nuts
*    Hot Cross Buns
*    Peter Bread
*    BrownKnees
*    Eyesburg Lettuce
*    Spaghetti and Meat Balls

The book to have, when you have a friend for dinner.

You know, the Democrats are thinking of running Pee Wee Herman.
They say he can hold his own in public...

How do you tell when a blonde is stressed?

Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her damn pencil.

Did you hear about the Pee Wee Herman sale going on at Sears?

All Pants are half off.

A rule with no exception:

If it has tiresor tits, you're going to have trouble with it

I don't think we have the whole story on Pee Wee Herman. I think he is holding 
out on us.

Pee Wee has a good attitude about it all.  He says, "If you don't stand up for 
yourself, who IS going to stand upfor you?"

Rufus could play the piano,
And he drove an American car;
He worked nine to sundown
In an office downtown,
To save us from nuclear war.

Beverly came from Seattle,
Played the mouth harp quite well, so they say;
She used to write songs in an old-timey style
And hoped she would sell them some day.

Rufus and Bev became sweethearts,
And nature could not be denied;
The did the things lovers do under the covers
Just as happy as clams at high tide.

One morning says Rufus to Beverly:
(As they lay in the fondest embrace)
'Dear, I have to confess with some minor distress,
There's an issue I fear we must face.

'This body you see now before you
Was once more like yours than like mine,
But I sought the compliance of medical science
To change to the sex masculine.'

Beverly stared back in silence;
She said, 'Rufus, don't rue what you've done!
For I have surrendered a masculine gender
For this other, more feminine one.'

These lovers went back to their passion,
And their passion so scarcely defused;
And the knot they soon tied, although deep down inside--
They were (ever so slightly) confused.

It's said that the star basketball player told the coach that he expected a 
poor grade on his next math exam.  The coach realizing that university policy 
dictated that a player could not play in the next game if he received a 
failing grade decided to go to the professor to see what he could do.  He 
explained that he really needed this player if they had any hope of winning 
the game and asked the professor if he couldn't just go a bit easy on him.  
The professor said "well, I *have* to give him an exam, but I guess I could 
make it an oral exam." He asked the athlete "What's two plus two?"

The basketball player said "four" to which the coach quickly said "com 'on 
give him another chance!"

Do you know how to spot a rich redneck?

He has two cars jacked up in his front yard.

You know you're in West Virginia when:

You have a "Hefty bag" for a passenger side window on your car.

Your house doesn't have any curtains- but your truck does.

Your front porch colapses and kill more than three dogs.

You consider your license plate "personalized" because your father made it.

After making love, you have to ask your date to roll down the window.

You have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnnie Cash over your fireplace.

You still have an 8-track tape player in your car or house.

Your idea of safe sex doesn't include anyone else.

You have ever bar-be-qued hamburgers at the driver-in theater.

You liked the velvet picture of Elvis that someone in a van sold you beside 
the highway better than anything you saw at an art show or museum.

You own more than three shirts with cut-off sleeves.

You have ever driven down the road with your seatbelt hanging out of the door 
making sparks.

You have ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Someone asks to see your ID, and you show them your belt buckle.

Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

Jack Daniels is on your list of most admired people.

You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in 
the car.

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have ever had to scratch your sister or girlfriend's name out of the 
message "For a good time, call _______."

Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.

Your dad walks to school with you because you're both in the same grade.

You view the next family reunion as a great chance to meet a woman.

Your wife has a beer gut, and you think it's attractive.

You have ever signed a petition to have the national anthem changed to "Free 

You call your boss "Dude."

You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the 
"House of Tattoos."

You get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.

You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut.

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.

You have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.

You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.

You wear a belt buckle that weighs more than three pounds.

You've ever been to a funeral or wedding where there were more pickup trucks 
than cars.

Your all-time favorite movie is "Cannonball Run."

You have any relatives named "Elmer" or "Jed."

Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute.

You wish your house looked like the one on the beginning of "Beverly 
Hillbillies" or "Green Acres."

Your favorite actors are Gomer Pile, Goober, and Barney Fife.

Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to "the Andy Griffith Show."

A new Sunday school teacher had to iron out some problems with the Lord's 
Prayer. One child had to be corrected after repeating, "Howard be thy name." 
Another youngster prayed, "Lead us not into Penn Station."  Still another 
surprised the teacher with, "Our Father, who art in heaven, how'd you know my 

One dear lady hadn't seen her grandson in many years. When she learned he 
would be spending the summer with her, she was so delighted she put five 
dollars in the collection plate that Sunday at church.  The Sunday after her 
grandson went home she put in ten dollars.

Art Linkletter reminds us that "kids say the darnedest things."  He remembers 
a three-year-old with big, brown eyes whom he asked, "What do you do to help 
you mother?" "I help my mom cook breakfast," she replied eagerly. "And what do 
you do to help you mom with breakfast?" Ark asked.  She didn't hesitate: "I 
put the toast in the toaster, but she won't let me flush it!"

Hey, I just heard that PeeWee is going to be aquitted!

Seems that the evidence won't hold up in court!

The teacher was making her pupils finish each sentence to show that they 
understood her.

     "The idol had eyes", the teacher said, "but it could not--"
     "See," cried the children.

     "It had ears but it could not--"
     "Hear," was the answer.

     "It had lips," she said, "but it could not  "
     "Speak," once more replied the children.

     "It had a nose but it could not--"
     "Wipe it," shouted the children; and the lesson had to stop a moment.

One day a teacher in a kindergarten school before giving out an exercise said, 
"Now children I want you all to be very quiet, so quiet that you could hear a 
pin drop." Everything had quieted down nicely and the teacher was about to 
speak when a little voice in the rear of the room said, "Go ahead, teacher let 
her drop."

The family was seated at the table with a man who was a business acquaintance 
of the father, when the six-year-old blurted out. "Isn't this roast beef"

"Yes, darling," ignoring his surprised look.  "What of it?"

"Well, Daddy said this morning that he was going to bring a big fish home for 

I like the attitude of the little six-year-old when her mother asked how it 
went on her first day at school:  "Fine, except for some older lady who kept 
interrupting us."

Little Johnny was having a terrific time on his first plane trip.  He pushed 
every button in sight, ran through the aisles at top speed and finally crashed 
into the stewardess as she was serving a tray of coffee.

Picking herself up, the stewardess grabbed young Johnny by the arm and cooed 
as gently as she could force herself to. "Son, why don't you go outside and