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Joke: February 12 - A Valentines Day Test For The Guys



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                              TODAY's JOKE
                            February 12, 1998
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              VALENTINES DAY EVALUATION             
                          - Submitted by J. Loloer
              ------------------------------------  

OK, we all know that Valentines Day is just a few days away, and people
are frantic making sure they buy the right presents or make the right 
reservations. (and those of you without dates should take pleasure
in the trauma setting upon those who do)

Let's face it guys. The gals are usually on the ball and we guys are the
forgetful ones.  So Let's evaluate how the men do - not just on Valentines
Day but throughout the year.

VALENTINES SCORING - HERE'S HOW THE SCORING WORKS

1) SIMPLE DUTIES-
You go out to buy her flowers: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It's her cat: -10

2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8

3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS-
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
And you didn't even go to college: -10
And it's not really your underwear: -15

4) HER BIRTHDAY-
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
 the colors of your favorite team: -10
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

5) THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
Which is in Detroit: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

6) A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS
You have a few beers: -9
For every beer after three, -2 again
And miss curfew by an hour: -12
You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Is that a tattoo? -200

7) A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU
You go see a comic: +2
He's crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She's not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25

8) DRIVING
You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

9) COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression:+20
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television:+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

BONUS:  You forward her funny e-mails with love notes attached: + 100


              VALENTINES IN THE LAND OF THE OLYMPICS
                       - Submitted bu Jay Smith
               --------------------------------------
There was a very interesting story about Valentine's Day in Japan.

"This year, some Japanese women will go a step further:  presenting
their boyfriends with a photograph of themselves standing alone in a
wedding dress -- a blunt suggestion that a proposal is in order.  In
Osaka, Japan's second-largest city, the Osaka Toyo Hotel is providing
women with a photographer and a choice of wedding gowns.  In the end,
they walk off with a framed photo and a box of chocolates, all for $40.
The hotel says about 1,000 women have participated so far in the
'Pressure Choco' promotion."

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