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(Fwd) Lawyer jokes

A famous lawyer found himself at heaven's gate confronting St. Peter.
The lawyer protested that it was all a mistake: he was only 49, and was
far too young to be dead. "That's odd," said St. Peter, "according to
the hours you've billed, you're 119 years old."

A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose was the
oldest profession. The doctor asserted that, of course, a physician
removed Adam's rib to create Eve. The engineer disagreed and said, "Of
course, an engineer had to have constructed the Garden of Eden." "I
have you both beaten," the lawyer gloated. "Before Adam and Eve, before
the Garden of Eden, before all creation, there was a state of chaos,
wasn't there? And who but lawyers could have created that?"

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I
begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the
defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for
the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order
to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He
stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in
particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." Hearing this, one of the
locals spoke up: "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country."

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970.
Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as
smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

A lawyer trying to get tickets to the rage of the day, the Phantom of
the Opera, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance.
When the exciting night arrived, the woman in front of the lawyer
noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable
commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make
it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who
could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at her funeral."

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked
him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy
real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire
insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied,
"Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river
overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The
lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney
charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to
it was a second $100 bill. Immediately the ethical question arose in
the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he
recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's
unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer
gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up," barked the devil,
jabbing him with his pitchfork in a sensitive place. "Who are you to
question that woman's punishment?"