FW: you will love this one

[Terry Blanchard <diveall@fia.net>]

----------
From: 	Blade065@aol.com[SMTP:Blade065@aol.com]
Sent: 	Tuesday, November 04, 1997 5:50 PM
To: 	BHEMEON@ix.netcom.com
Subject: 	you will love this one

Subject: This year's Darwin Awards (fwd)

     

As you may already know, THE DARWIN AWARDS are bestowed every year upon 
(the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded 
self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from 
the human gene pool. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed 
when he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy 
Impala and promptly shot himself at 300 mph into the side of a desert 
cliff.
     
And now, for this year's illustrious winner(s):
     
John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, 
decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at 
Gorge, Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they sat 
in the parking lot, and after finishing the beer, decided that it would 
be easy enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the 
show.
     
The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan 
was for John--100 pounds heavier than Sal--to hop over, and then assist 
his friend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot 
drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he 
found himself crashing through a tree.
     
His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch which snagged him by his 
shorts. Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down 
and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his 
fall, John removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts 
to free himself from the tree.
     
When finally free, John crashed below into Holly bushes. The sharp 
leaves scratched his entire body and now being without his shorts, he 
was the unwilling victim of a holly branch penetrating his rectal 
cavity. To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall with 
him and landed three inches into his left thigh.
     
Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw 
him a rope and pull him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds 
less, he decided the best course of action would be to tie the rope to 
the pickup truck. This is when things went from bad to worse. In his 
drunken state, Sal put the truck into the wrong gear, pressed on the 
gas, and crashed through the fence, landing on and killing his friend. 
Sal was thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and 
also died at the scene.
     
Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet 
from the vehicle and upon moving the truck, a half naked man, with 
numerous scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh, 
and a pair of shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the 
air.
     
And now, the runners-up:
     
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Pillsbury Dough Boy Wanted for Attempted Murder. [AP, Arkansas]
     
A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, 
and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman 
sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently 
sleeping.
     
When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands 
still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very 
strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?"
     
The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my 
brains in." Linda didn't know what to do; so she ran into the store where 
store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car 
because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman 
had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury 
biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, 
making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. 
When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought 
it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to 
hold her brains in!
     
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[AP, Mammoth Lakes, CA]
     
A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the 
Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 
Authorities said Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at
Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono 
County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had 
hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam 
protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the 
Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers
who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide 
down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been 
determined that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
     
     
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[AP, St. Louis, MO]
     
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. 
When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, 
shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police 
found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the 
six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
     
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[UPI, Spain]
     
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an 
aging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
     
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Man's Loses Face at Party
     
[Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]
     
A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, 
triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state 
police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting 
cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.
     
"Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying 
to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll 
show you how to set it off."
     
"He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his 
tongue and his lips," Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded 
condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a 
spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine 
anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
     
     
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[UPI, Portland, OR]
     
Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man 
shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and 
will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his 
right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, 
Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a 
beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye.
     
Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood 
vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly. 
Nurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland 
said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip 
protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all 
major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the 
arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts
admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. 
Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."
     
No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's 
office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.