humor: oct 23 -- Saturday Groaners

[Nick Brown <nbrown@polymail.cpunix.calpoly.edu>]

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                              Nick's G-Rated Humor List
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Maurice Boardman writes
>Ooops.
	>Freedom from encrustation's of
	>crime is proximal to rectitude.
>should read
	>Freedom from encrustations of
	>GRIME is proximal to rectitude.
		>(Cleanliness is next to Godliness.)

Nick replies -- I missed that one!

	>Surveillance should precede salutation.
	>	(Look before you leap.)
Doesn't this mean "Look before you greet"?

Nick replies -- yes, I saw that one.  Apparently neither Maurice nor I
could come up with a rhyming replacement, so delete it .... or live with it!

====
========
====

	An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of
squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own.
This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the
rabbit, including a tendency for it to eschew jumping but rather to
embrace running around like its stepsiblings.

	As the rabbit passed through puberty, however, it soon faced an
identity crisis (don't we all!). It went to its stepparents to discuss
the problem.

	It allowed as to how it felt different from its stepsiblings, was
unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally forlorn. Their
response was, ... "Don't scurry, be hoppy."

========

	On an interstate highway in the northeast, a motorcyle patrolman was
pursuing a truck that braked abruptly to make a turn. The patrolman slammed
into the truck's tailgate and was seriously injured.  A motorist who saw
the accident, stopped, pulled off his neck-tie and quickly made a
tourniquet, slowing, then stopping the bleeding. A paramedic who arrived a
few minutes later said the tourniquet had saved the patrolman's life.

	Now fast forward to five years later: The same motorist who saved
the patrolman's life, driving in the same area, lost control of his car and
crashed into a tree. His right leg was severely smashed and cut - blood was
flowing profusely. The same patrolman who was injured in the previous
accident, and now in a patrol car, arrived at the scene, applied a
tourniquet that stemmed the flow until the paramedics arrived - saving the
motorist's life.

	While being interviewed by a newspaper reporter later in the day,
the patrolman said, "It all goes to prove that one good tourniquet deserves
another."

==========


	What's the difference between an elephant
	in India and one in Alabama?
		In India the tusks are firm; You'll find Tuscaloosa
		in Alabama. (By Stan Kegel with thanks to Groucho Marx)

	Why did the bear go over the mountain?
		To see what was bruin.

	Why piccolo profession such as music when it's full of viol
	practices, confirmed lyres, old fiddles and bass performers?
		For the lute, of course.


Celebrity of the week:

	He directs a musical focused on a freighter which sinks
	resulting in the loss of the world's supply of xylophones.
		Steven Glockenspielberg  (By Karna Thulin)

Author:
	The Blessing  by Benny Dixon

Tom Swifty:
	"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.

==========
From: Gilbert Krebs <gill@cchat.com>

	Generally, I find that people do not have a great deal of respect
for the beneficial effects of poultry in our society. This is a shame,
because we could go on and on about our feathered friends and what they
have done for us. For example, during the American revolution, the
colonists used hens to sniff out red-coat sympathizers. Thus, was born
.....  chicken catch a Tory.

	During the Civil War, the South needed to spy on the North's army
to plan a defense to any attack. They decided to send a chicken into the
Yankee camp to observe what was going on. Unfortunately the chicken was
captured and imprisoned.  This is one of the few times that ..... a Yankee
committed a fowl.

==========

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window: "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "It's a pair of socks!"


==========
Richard Lederer <richard.lederer@pobox.com>

Did you hear about the wedding of Yves Montand and Carmen Miranda?
It was a wedding combining many of the traditions of both of their
heritages. Carmen's hair was worn up and held in place by beautiful,
ornamental combs. After the vows, Carmen pulled out the combs, let
her hair down, and combed it out as an act of submission, thereby
concluding the ceremony and becoming his wife. Or, as the related
tradition says, "She'll be Carmen Miranda Montand when she combs."


:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
  Taken from the GROANERS mailings
  of Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
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