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humor: nov 11 -- Veteran's Day
Nick's G-Rated Humor List
In the United States, the eleventh hour of the
eleventh day in the eleventh month is a time that
many stop to remember those veterans who died ---
and those who did not.
November 11 is now called Veteran's Day. So today's
humor mailing is dedicated to vets, and in particular
to my brother Greg who came back alive.
From: "Gunther, Tina" <email@example.com>
Life Before The Computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And a floppy disk was something
Terribly wrong in your back.
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
From: Gillette Patrick <firstname.lastname@example.org>
>From the pen of DOCTOR Tom Swiftie:
"I'm sorry you don't have any
flowers in your hospital room"
said Dr. Tom lackadaisically.
"What happened to your skin?"
asked Dr. Tom rashly.
"We had to amputate."
said Dr. Tom disarmingly.
Here's an encore of one of Bill's favorites:
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I
have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know
what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a
rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the
moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the
lady walked between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They
continued to watch until it reached the last number and then
the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman
The father, said quietly to his boy,
"Quick Son, go get your Mother."
THANKS TO BILL'S PUNCH LINE
The following poem has a Christmas theme,
but it is appropriate on Veteran's Day.
>'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
>HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
>IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
>PLASTER AND STONE.
>I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
>WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
>AND TO SEE JUST WHO
>IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
>I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
>A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
>NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
>NOT EVEN A TREE.
>NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
>JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
>ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
>OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
>WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
>AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
>A SOBER THOUGHT
>CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
>FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
>IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
>I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
>ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
>THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
>CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
>IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
>THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
>THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
>NOT HOW I PICTURED
>A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
>WAS THIS THE HERO
>OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
>CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
>THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
>I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
>THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
>OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
>WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
>SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
>THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
>AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
>A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
>THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
>EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
>BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
>LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
>I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
>HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
>ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
>IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
>THE VERY THOUGHT
>BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
>I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
>AND STARTED TO CRY.
>THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
>AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
>"SANTA DON'T CRY,
>THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
>I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
>I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
>MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
>MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
>THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
>AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
>I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
>I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
>I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
>SO SILENT AND STILL
>AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
>FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
>I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
>ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
>THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
>SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
>THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
>WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
>WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
>IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
>ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
>AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
>"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
>AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
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