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humor: nov 18 --
Nick's G-Rated Humor List
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I'd Like A Coke Please
I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now
often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi,
Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought
I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar
clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would
you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"
Two for the Price of One!
The minister selected a fifty-cent item at a convenience store,
but discovered he didn't have any money with him.
"I could invite you to hear me preach in return," he said jokingly
to the owner, "but I'm afraid I don't have any fifty-cent sermons."
"Perhaps," suggested the owner, "I could attend twice."
Sound Familiar To Anyone Out There?
A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in
the back seat. The women just won't leave him alone.
His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!"
His wife says, "Stay more to the left."
After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks,
"Who's driving this car - you or your mother?"
EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW IN LIFE I LEARNED FROM MY CAT
* Life is hard, then you nap.
* Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
* When in doubt, cop an attitude.
* Variety is the spice of life: one day ignore people, the next day
* Climb your way to the top--that's why drapes are there.
* Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone's face.
* Find your place in the sun--especially if it happens to be on that
nice pile of warm, clean laundry.
* Make your mark in the world--or at least spray in each corner.
* When eating out think nothing of sending back your meal twenty or
* If you're not receiving enough attention, try knocking over several
expensive antique lamps.
* Always give generously--a small bird or rodent left on the bed
tells them, "I care."
* When you go out into the world, remember: being placed on a
pedestal is a right, not a privilege.
SIGNS OF OUR TIMES
In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a
sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "THINK!"
The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign
and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had
carefully lettered another sign which read -- "THOAP!"
Experience: The thing that allows us to recognize a mistake
as soon as we make it again.
QUOTE WORTH RE-QUOTING
The grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do,
something to love, and something to hope for. -- Joseph Addison
============================ TU DUH STUPH
===================================== EYE ROTE BEFIOR
50 YEARS AGO -- November 1949
...The stage/screen show at the New York Capitol Theatre featured the movie
She Wore A Yellow Ribbon starring John Wayne and Joanne Dru and the live
act of Dick Contimo, billed as "The Rudolph Vantino of the Accordion".
Contimo should be Contino,
Vantino should be Valentino.
...Charles Van Doren confessed before Congress that he had been given TV
quiz show answers in advance. He had won $129,000.
No, no, no....the second item is flat-out incorrect.
This scandal occurred during the 1950s.
THANKS FOR POINTING THESE OUT -- as you probably guessed,
I typed these in my hand, and made several errors in the process.
>Ron B. writes that he looked for 50 states but only found 46.
>"There are four (4) additional land masses that many refer to as
>states but actually are Commonwealths. They are KY, VA, PA, and MA."
W. R. comments .....
Interesting, but not relevant for the
type of government doesn't change the
fact of statehood. Ohio for instance
is a republic, but it is still a state. WELL, OK, I CAN SEE
The definition of a state, of course, IT BOTH WAYS -- AND
is any geographic area controlled by one I COULD BE LOSING
government. The definition is slightly INTEREST IN THIS --
modified as relating to states within BUT I DO THANK YOU
the U.S.A. in that the government of FOR YOUR COMMENT.
the state is not totally independent. Nick :-)
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humor 1.94.3+ 9908