FW: Job Search

[Matt Avery <matt_avery@environ.com>]

I got a kick out of this, especially since I'm a "honest, dependable, 
hard-working, very adaptable" worker who is "highly motivated to succeed" 
and I'm working for a "fast-paced company", with a "casual atmosphere", and 
earning a "competitive salary" (hehehe).  Hope you like.

Matt

**********
Ever look at the Help wanted ads and wonder what  they really mean?  Here 
is a guide to Job Search Lingo.
**"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying you less than our 
competition.
**"Join our fast-paced company" -  We have no time to train you.
**"Casual work atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will 
dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
**"Some overtime required" - Some every night and some every weekend.
**"Duties will vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
**"Must have an eye for detail" - We have no quality assurance.
**"Career-minded" - Female applicants must be childless (and remain that 
way).
**"Apply in person" - If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the 
position has been filled.
**"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience" - You'll need it 
to replace the three people who just quit.
**"Problem-solving skills a must" - You're walking into perpetual chaos.
**"Requires team leadership skills" - You'll have the responsibilities of a 
manager, without the pay or respect.
**"Good communication skills" - Management communicates, you listen, figure 
out what they want and do it.

The other side of the coin .... Phrases for you to use in an interview:
**"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization" - I've used 
Microsoft Office.
**"I'm honest, hard-working and dependable" - I pilfer office supplies.
**"I take pride in my work" - I blame others for any mistakes.
**"I'm personable" - I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to 
co-workers.
**"I am very adaptable" - I've changed jobs a lot.
**"I am on the go" - I'm never at my desk.
**"I'm highly motivated to succeed" - The minute I find a better job, I'm 
outta here.