[humorix] Top Ten: Linux vs. W2K

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Top Ten Features Linux Will Need To Compete With W2K 
Paul Ferris, paulferris@linuxtoday.com

Top 10 lists have been popular lately. Nick Petreley has
his top 10 list of excuses needed for implementing W2K[1].
Then, this OS Opinion contributor put in his $.02 on why
Linux would be a desktop success[2]. 

I've decided that a more technical analysis of the subject
is in order. Neither of you jokers (and I use the term
correctly here for all of us) has addressed the features
that Linux will need to catch up to the Redmondites new
operating system offerings. We Linuxites get accused of
just playing catch-up and only copying features all the
time, so I figure we'd best get a list together, so we can
Innovate(tm) with the big boys. 

Since some of these new "features" are likely to be viewed
in a negative light, I've included the marketing plans for
implementing them, where possible. 

I hope RedHat doesn't get too upset with me for detailing
their secret marketing and technical plans *wink* .... 

Top Ten Features that RedHat 2000 will adopt to catch up
with Windows 2000: 

9) CD auto-run install that simply destroys Windows by
installing Linux over the top when user selects a friendly
looking button that says: "I want to learn more about
RedHat 2000". 

8) Registration "Blizzard" ask for detailed marketing and
user information, all the while scanning for products
loaded on the hard drive. Every time the user connects to
the Internet, RedHat 2000 secretly sends this data back to
a database in Raleigh, N.C. Ralph Nader is likely to write
CEO Bob Young with concerns, but Bob's gonna blow them off
saying that the data is needed to better support his
customers, and RedHat wouldn't *dream* of using the data
for marketing! 

7) /etc no longer a directory. Instead, it will be a hidden
file system that is only available through a program called
"EtcEdit64". EtcEdit64 use won't be recommended by RedHat.
Still, it will be required on a daily basis to fix a
multitude of problems. 

6) All existing software will have to be re-written to use
the new proprietary etc system calls. 

5) Only Intel i386 hardware supported. The spin: "It will
help us speed development!" 

4) Exclusive graphic mode system boot-up. Without a valid
graphics adaptor and mouse, the system will be unusable. 

3) 128 megabyte RAM and Pentium III required for minimal
system. Why? 3 Words: init in Python. 

2) Proprietary source code. The system will be billed as
Open, but the source code will obviously not be available
and buggy as all sin. Pushed to release the source code by
some developers in the community, CEO Bob Young will just
get angry and say "What the @!#^$@ do you know!?!" 

1) New, expanded product line. Newer distribution will be
split into 18 different products, each one available at a
different price and installing various combinations of
Samba, Apache, NIS, KDE, GNOME and sendmail. Older
distribution will be still be available and called "RedHat
2000 Classic". 

And the number 0 feature that RedHat 2000 will adopt? 

0) Extreme instability billed as: "50% more stable than
Microsoft Windows NT 4!" 


Disclaimers: 

0) Paul Ferris uses RedHat, both at home and at work,
because he likes it. Yes, he's used Debian, Slack, Suse and
some others too, so lay off! 

1) None of the above is true, meant to be true, or even
hinted at as being true. Technical inaccuracies will be
output to /dev/null 

2) The tone and unfairness of this "feature set" may piss
off some people at RedHat's secret PR agency, "Wagon-Wheel
EggStorm". Paul says, "That's just too darn bad." 


References:

[1] http://www.infoworld.com/cgi-bin/displayNew.pl?/petrel/990823np.htm
[2] http://www.osopinion.com/Opinions/Wigdahl/Wigdahl1.html


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