[humorix] *Patents Pending

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

*Patents Pending
Mr. Noah Morals, Official Humorix Lawyer
September 14, 1999

I love the US Patent & Trademark Office.  Their policy of
accepting all applications for software patents ensures
that lawyers like me have an endless supply of customers. 
It's quite simple:

Software patents + American legal system = Financial
independence for lawyers

So, I was quite ecstatic when James Baughn asked me about
the possibility of securing some patents for Humorix.  "No
problem!" I said. Two weeks later, and all of the paperwork
along with the um, necessary, ah...  fees (bribes) has been
sent to the USPTO.

Some of the patents that Humorix now has a claim on
include:

- The distribution of hypertext-based syndicated humor and
fake news content across a world-wide medium.

- The act of writing self-referential, fictional humor
material in lieu of real fake news.

- The act of employing self-referential, meta-humor about
self-referential humor.

- The act of composing meta-meta-humor material containing
infinite levels of recursion and self-referentialism.

- The creation of a software application[1] that simulates
the content of a world-wide online resource by employing a
pseudo-random number generator.

- The establishment of a world-wide online resource (a.k.a.
"portal") containing advertisements, hype, and marketing
gimmicks scattered among minimal anchor content stolen or
syndicated from other outlets.

- The publication of fictional patent claims under the
byline of a fictional lawyer personae.

- The construction of a three dimensional object formed by
bending a flexible material in such a way that all points
are of equal radial distance from a center point. (some of
you may want to call this a "wheel", however, in our patent
claim, this is a TEP, "threespace equidistance paradigm".)

- The art of broadcasting huge volumes of unsolicited
commercial messages via an electronic mail medium to
destinations world wide.  (We here at Humorix don't
actually employ this, but this patent could be a useful
mallet for banging evil spammers on the head with.  Instead
of sending out 'You're a winner!' scams, spammers who
violate this patent (all of them) will be receiving 'You're
a defendant!' meatspace letters.)

If these patent applications are accepted (and they will be
since I have several connections in the USPTO), Humorix may
apply to register trademarks like "Humorix", "Vast Spy
Network",  "Linux Humor", "Portal", "World Domination",
"Humorix World Headquarters", "Dothead", and "Neural
Implant From the Future". When it comes to intellectual
property, you can never snatch^H^H^H^H^H^Hacquire enough.


[1] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/jul99.shtml#Slashsim

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