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humor: may 09 -- Sunday Stuff/Mother's Day



                              Nick's G-Rated Humor List

YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY A MOM WHEN...
>From "Mikey's Funnies" <Mikeys-Funnies@youthspecialties.com>

1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
2. You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's
favorite toy and made him/her cry.
3. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
4. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
5. You child throws up and you catch it.
6. Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.
7. You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.
8. You mastered the art of placing food on a plate without anything touching.
9. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the
lobby of the doctorÝs office, and you do it.
10. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in
ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.
11. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.
12. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
13. You hate the thought of his wife even more.
14. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.
15. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.
16. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first
month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the
second time.
17. You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final.
18. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say,
"Not in your good clothes."
19. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
20. You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and
feel proud that your kid is "above average."
21. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job," but you
know you wouldn't trade it for anything.


ONE AFTERNOON.....
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.
His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the
mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been
knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front
room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was
strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes
filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was
spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile
of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of
clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that
something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom,
still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up
at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home
from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

[forwarded by Ralph West to "Mikey's Funnies"]



SERIOUS STUFF ------

We had the meanest mother in the whole world!  While other kids ate candy
for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.  When others had a
Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches.  And you can guess
our mother fixed us a dinner that was different than other kids had too.

Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times.  You'd think we were
convicts in a prison.  She had to know who our friends were, and what we
were doing with them.  She insisted that if we said we would be gone for an
hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.

We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the "Child
Labor Laws" by making us work.  We had to wash the dishes, make the beds,
learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, and all sorts of cruel jobs.
I think she would lay awake at night thinking of more things for us to do.

She always insisted on us telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing
but the truth.  By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds,
and life was really tough.

She wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up.  They
had to come up to the door so she could meet them.  While everyone else
could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16.

Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things other kids
experienced.  None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing
other's property, or ever arrested for any crime.  It was all her fault.

We never got drunk, took up smoking, stayed out all night, or a million
other things other kids did.

Sundays were reserved for church, and we never missed once.  We knew better
than to ask to spend the night with a friend on Saturdays.

Now that we have left home, we are all God-fearing, educated, honest
adults.  We are doing our best to be mean parents just like our mom was.
The world just doesn't have enough mean moms anymore.


			Mean Mom was forwarded by Maurice B.

=====================================
An inspirational from Jack USN58@Aol.

Psalm 78: 1-10, 72.
So David fed them according to the integrity of his heart;
and guided them by the skillfulness of his hands.

A person of integrity should speak and act with unimpaired faithfulness to
the principles that guide his life-or, in the case of a Christian,
faithfulness to his Lord.

Did it ever occur to you that Jesus did not go around constantly correcting
His disciples when they blundered?  That could easily have become a full
time job. Rather, He chose to go about quietly planting the seeds of truth.
If people around you seem to be blundering through life, seldom if ever is
it your job to set them straight.

We Christians have a tendency to become a Mr. or Ms. Fix-it.  There are
great pitfalls that open when we place ourselves into the position of
"correction officer."  Pit Falls that could easily compromise one's
integrity.

"God judges a man, not by the point he has reached,
but by the way he is facing; not by distance,
but by direction."  James S. Stewart (1896-1990)

=======================================

  If Jesus Came ...
  Would you have to change your
  clothes before you let Him in?
  Or hide some magazines, and put
  the Bible where they'd been?
  Would you hide your worldly music
  and put some hymn books out?
  Could you let Jesus walk right in,
  or would you rush about?
  And I wonder..if the Saviour
  spent a day or two with you,
  Would you go right on doing
  the things you always do?
  Would you go right on saying
  the things you always say?
  Or would life for you continue
  as it does from day to day?
  Would you take Jesus with you
  everywhere you go?
  Or would you maybe change your
  plans for just a day or so?
  Would you be glad to have Him
  meet your closest friends?
  Or would you hope they stay away
  until His visit ends?
  Would you be glad to have Him
  stay forever on and on?
  Or would you sigh with great
  relief when He at last was gone?
  It might be interesting to know
  the things that you would do,
  If Jesus came in person
  to spend some time with you.
                                Author Unknown

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                      humor                            1.94.3+