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humor: may 13 -- Good Humor, Man!
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Nick's G-Rated Humor List
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The first two items are thanks to ....
Randy Walker
The Good Humor Man
A tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes, just like Tony
the Tiger). He just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey
and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And
this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is
mightier than you."
A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is
shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great
tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly
munching on some greenery, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE
MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this elephant grabs the
tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and
shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black, and finally
throws him violently into a nearby tree.
The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man,
just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."
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A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel
where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More
than 500 lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced
that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every
hour.
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I can't credit this last item,
but it sounds like something
that really happened ....
While I was working in Sweden, I had many chances to visit London.
Through a strange set of circumstances, while performing historical
research I was able to be of service to the Abbot of Westminster
Abbey. As a reward, I was presented with a weather worn carved
capital from the Chapel of Henry VI which was being replaced with a
new one. (The service had pertained to this restoration work.)
Although weatherworn and a bit crumbly, it is delicately carved, and
so I worked hard to protect it. Since it weighs 50+ pounds, this
was not easy.
Fortunately, I had traveled from Sweden to England with my good
Lady, her Mother, and her sister... Even though the latter two of
our party were planning to travel onwards, rather than return to
Sweden, it had been cheapest to buy everyone round trip tickets...
So the fact that I had a 50+ pound chunk of Westminster Abbey didn't
seem like it would present a problem... I had a pair of spare
return trip tickets. It could fly as a passenger!!!!
Check in was fun...
"I'd like to check in three to Sweden..." presenting the tickets...
"Yes sir... would you put your carry-on bag on the scale???"
"No, that's one of the passengers".
"Yes, sir, would you put your bag on the scale."
"No, I didn't make myself clear. That is not a bag belonging to a
passenger... that bag IS the passenger."
"Excuse me sir... did you say the BAG is the PASSENGER?"
"Yes, and it would like a window seat."
At this point they decided I was definitely daft, and I spent the
next ten minutes talking to various managers... Finally that was
cleared up, and the bag got its window seat.
Arriving at the security gate, I placed my bag firmly (ka-thunk) on
the x-ray machine... and of course no x-rays penetrated the rock...
So they asked me;
"What do you have in there, a rock?"
"Why yes, I do".
"Well sir, could you be so kind as to open it?"
"But of course..."
Well, they were very amused, but seeing as how I had the foresight
to obtain a legal possession and export document, they finally let
it through.
I thought I had it made, but the people at the boarding gate noticed
that I was lugging this bag as if it contained somewhat over the 14
pounds weight allowance for carry on luggage. Also, I was treating
it gingerly since it is a irreplaceable thing, and I didn't want to
damage it... "Excuse me sir, but if that bag weighs more than 14
pounds you will have to check it..."
"No, that's okay, it isn't a bag, it's a passenger with it's own
ticket... right here." With that, I showed the ticket.
"Yes sir, where is the person who's ticket this is?"
"No, let me make it clear, this bag is the passenger, it is going to
sit in a seat, next to the window."
"Yes, sir, could you kindly step into the security office with
us?..."
Sigh...
Finally we board the airplane... I thought we had it made... But
alas, fate had a bit more planned for me. Shortly after the plane
buttoned up, the stewardess came around and asked me if I could move
the bag off of the seat (It was firmly seat belted in place),
because a passenger wanted to move to the window (I should have
realized that might cause problems).
"No, I am afraid I won't move the bag, and besides, I have paid for
that seat...."
"Well yes sir, if that is your reserved seat, than could you sit in
it and give the other gentleman the seat you are sitting in?"
"I'm afraid I have not made it clear... I have paid for a ticket
for the bag... it is a passenger. That is *its* reserved
seat.... I have a ticket, I am a passenger, and this is *my*
reserved seat. We are both passengers, with tickets, and
reserved seats... (and trying to suppress a grin...) and we
would both like the chicken entree." ....
Eventually I was able to convince the co-pilot that the bag was a
bonafide passenger with a ticket, that it didn't constitute a threat
to the welfare of the airplane, and that it did have a right to both
the window seat ... and the chicken entree ...
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