Joke: Top Ten

[Eric Thelin <eric@generation-i.com>]

The "TOP TEN" oxymorons:

10. Tight slacks
9. A definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance

AND THE TOP OXYMORON

1. Microsoft Works

(Submitted by Amy Young, Universal Studios)



TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH:
  ---------------------------------
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your
   sense of national pride
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN:
  -----------------------------------
1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to
   care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH:
  ----------------------------------
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
2. Warm beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh.
11. Or Scottish

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN:
  ----------------------------------
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH:
  ----------------------------------
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
6. Honesty
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight
   clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles
9. Gibraltar
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN:
---------------------------------
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. In-built sense of pacifism

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN:
  ---------------------------------
1. Chicken Madras
2. Lamb Passanda
3. Onion Bhaji
4. Bombay Potato
5. Chicken Tikka Masala
6. Rogan Josh
7. Popadoms
8. Chicken Dopiaza
9. Meat Boona
10. Kingfisher lager

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:
  -------------------------------
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?!?!?!?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH:
  --------------------------------
1. Guinness
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
4. Pubs never close
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican
Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have  sex
with
a condom on. 6. No one can ever remember the night before 7. Kill people
you don't agree with 8. Stew 9. More Guinness 10. Eating stew and
drinking
Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian
violence.


(and for those brothers and sisters who live in the northern
boroughs....)


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN:
  -----------------------------------
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
   ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors. 
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
   ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings
   will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
   ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover your house in their
   skins
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
    ground

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:
  ------------------------------------
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilised
   nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000  years
   because you think it belongs to you.
4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.