State Stuff

["Brian Thelin" <Bthelin@Idahoaccess.com>]

  Subject: State Stuff

     State sayings

     Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
     Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
     Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
     Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
     California: As Seen on TV
     Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
     Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less
Character
     Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
     Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
     Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum,
        But Leave Your Money)
     Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The
        Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
     Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
     Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
     Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
     Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
     Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
     Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our
        Tourism Campaign
     Maine: Cheap Lobster
     Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
     Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most
        Tax Brackets)
     Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
     Minnesota: For Sale
     Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
     Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
     Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, and Very Little Else
     Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: P&P -
     Prostitutes and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
     New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
        Right Here
     New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
     New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right
        to an Attorney
     North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
     North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah,
        Dinosaur Bones!
     Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
     Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
     Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
     Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
     Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
     South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually
     Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The
     Educashun State Texas: Se Hablo Ingles Utah: Our God Is Better
     Than Your God Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs
     and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By
     Nerds and Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West
     Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut Our
     Cheese Wyoming: Wy not?


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     Alabama Bashing

     Alabamians:
     Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State
     Lottery? 3 dollars a year for a million years.

     What do a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas and a Hurricane
     in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a house
     trailer.

     Why do folks from Alabama go to the movie theater in groups of 18
     or more? Nobody admitted 17 and under.

     What do you get when you have 8 Alabamians in the same room? A
     full set of teeth.

     Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama? Everyone has the same
DNA.

     A new law was passed in Alabama recently: when a couple gets a
     divorce, they're still brother and sister.

     An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next
door,
     telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My
house
     is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
     "Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

     The Alabamian and his gal were embracing passionately in the
     front seat of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.
     "No," he replied. A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want
     to get in
the
     back seat?" "No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front
seat
     with you."

     Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?
     Almost took out the whole trailer park.


======================================================================


     The Top 39 Things You Would NEVER Hear A Southerner Say:

     39.  "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
     38.  Duct tape won't fix that.
     37.  Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
     36.  Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
     35.  We don't keep firearms in this house.
     34.  Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
     33.  You can't feed that to the dog.
     32.  I thought Graceland was tacky.
     31.  No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
     30.  Rasslin's fake.
     29.  Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
     28.  We're vegetarians.
     27.  Do you think my hair is too big?
     26.  I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
     25.  Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
     24.  Who's Richard Petty?
     23.  Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
     22.  Deer heads detract from the decor.
     21.  Spitting is such a nasty habit.
     20.  I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
     19.  Trim the fat off that steak.
     18.  Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
     17.  The tires on that truck are too big.
     16.  I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.
     15.  I've got it all on a floppy disk.
     14.  Unsweetened tea tastes better.
     13.  Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
     12.  My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's
     11.  I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
     10.  Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
      9.  Checkmate.
      8.  She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
      7.  Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
      6.  Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 5.
       I don't have a favorite college team. 4.  Be sure to bring my
      salad dressing on the side. 3.  I believe you cooked those green
      beans too long. 2.  Those shorts ought to be a little longer,
      Darla.

     And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is--
      1.  Elvis who?

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