What is Mr. Data were windows compatible?

[Eric Thelin <eric@generation-i.com>]

What if Mr. Data were Microsoft Windows Compatible?

WORF:	Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead 		ahead.

PICARD:	On screen.

	The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal 		lines, each only a  single pixel wide.

PICARD:	Data, what's wrong here?

DATA:	Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video 		memory to display an image of this size.  May I suggest that 		you select a lower resolution?

PICARD:	Make it so.

	The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky 		square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could 		be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the 		aliens in Space Invaders.

PICARD:	Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.

DATA:	Aye, sir.

	Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it 		over, and places it on the console in front of him.  He punches 	some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several 		seconds.  A flash of  light blossoms from one of the Romulan 	
	ships on the viewscreen.

WORF:	Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!

PICARD:	Shields up!

DATA:	I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your
	last instruction.  I must ask you to wait until I have finished 	before you issue your next command.

PICARD: What on earth do you mean?  Data, this is *important*! I want
	those shields up *right now*.

DATA:	I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your
	last instruction.  I must ask you to wait until I have finished 	before you issue your next command.

LAFORGE:Allow me, captain.  (to Data) Control-alt-delete, Data.

	Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to 		the floor.

DATA:	The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to
	cancel and return to Windows.  Pull my left ear to close this 		communications channel which is not responding.  You will lose 		any information sent by the Romulans.

	LaForge pulls Data's left ear.

PICARD:	Shields...

	There is a tremendous explosion.  The bridge shakes violently, 		and all the crew members are thrown to the floor.  A shower of 		sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, 		throwing Wesley back away from the
	console.

PICARD:	Up, Data!

DATA:	Aye, sir.

RIKER:	All decks, damage report!

WORF:	Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured.  He appears to be 			unconscious.

	Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, 		and punches some more buttons.  He waits a few seconds, then 		puts the hourglass back on the floor.

DATA:	Shields are now up, captain.

PICARD:	And not a moment too soon.  Worf, lock all phasers on the lead  
	Romulan ship.

WORF:	Aye, sir.  (He punches buttons on the weapons console.)

PICARD:	Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.

DATA:	I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver
	installed for that console.

PICARD:	Well, damn it, install the right one.

DATA:	Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.

PICARD:	Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?

RIKER:	I left them with Geordi.

LAFORGE:(in a surprised voice) What!!?  I thought you still had them!

PICARD:	Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal
	memory?

DATA:	Not found, sir.  Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right  
	nostril.

PICARD:	Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.

DATA:	Not ready reading right nostril.  Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD:	Abort!

DATA:	Not ready reading right nostril.  Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD:	Well, fail, then!

DATA:	Current nose is no longer valid.

	Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons.  The 		ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift 	to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise 	is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.

LAFORGE:(alarmed) Data, what the hell are you doing?

PICARD:	Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?

RIKER:	Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold  
	for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone.  And that 		person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model.  		She specialized in industrial control robots.

	Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and 	all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a 		halt.  After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on.  		Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.

PICARD:	What's going on?

LAFORGE:(checking the helm console)  Lieutenant Data has caused a
	General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.

PICARD:	These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do
	anything with them.

	The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans 	in full battle dress materialize on the bridge.  A seventh 		figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.

FERENGI:(with a mercenary grin) Can I interest you in a Unix, Captain?


___________________________________________________________________
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