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Joke: December 19 - Funny Answering Machine Messages
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December 19, 1997
Yesterday's "IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS" received mixed results
People either loved it or didn't like it at all
Lots of 6s and 7s, and a bunch of 1s and 2s
A 4.3 from Joke-Of-The-Day.com Members
We received a well written rebuattal to yesterday's Santa Claus Joke,
It's at the end, so check it out.
Rate the Joke below! and *** FORWARD TO FRIENDS ***
Spread The Fun
SOME VERY FUNNY ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
- Submitted by Avi Golden
Are you bored with that tired old "We're not home right now, please leave a mesasage but." Well here are some novel new messages for you to try.
It will both amuse your friends and family, and keep them wondering...
1) Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money
2) Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it
up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a
message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
3) "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one
of these magnets."
4) My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
5) (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of
toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at
incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is
in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
6) "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their
carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need
their picture taken. They are also VERY happy with their current phone
service. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they
will get back to you."
7) The College Special.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not
here. So leave a message.
8) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave
*sexy* message, I call sooner!
9) "If you are a burglar calling to check, then we're probably at
home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home
and it's safe to leave us a message."
10) "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
11) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once
this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice
for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no
charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional
extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.
Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."
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A REBUTTAL OF YESTERDAY's JOKE
- Written and submitted by Andrew Orgell
YES VIRGINIA, THERE IS A SANTA
The skeptical article dated December 17th appears to be conclusive but in
fact is woefully lacking in better understanding of matter.
1- Santa does not have special reindeer, but rather enables ordinary reindeer
to fly by special deer feed. (Don't ask Santa for the formula; I did once
and he left me off the list for years- see #2)
2- With regard to the issue of how many homes Santa must visit: Not every
one of the homes has even a single child that can qualify as good. Santa
has very high standards, especially with regard to greedy letters most
kids send. Better luck next year
3- With regard to speed, if you ask any good physicist, she will tell
you that time slows down as you move close to the speed of light. Since S
anta's sleigh is powered by the Christmas Star, it travels AT the speed of
light. He actually arrives at the next location BEFORE he left the last one
(traveling East, remember?). With regard to the time it takes to set up the
presents and fill the stockings, Santa is non-union, so it doesn't take him
as long as you would expect. Sidenote: all that high-speed travel reverses
the aging process. That is why Santa comes just once a year. If he did it
twice a year he would have been a baby again around 1900.
4- Santa's Bag of toys is actually a portal through the time/space
continuum, like a wormhole. It connects directly to the North Pole
5- With regard to the friction, Santa's entire sleigh is designed to
onvert the heat of the friction to run Santa's bag of toys (see #4).
The sonic booms are canceled out by the frequency of the special sleigh
In conclusion, Santa does exist. All that running around does require
a lot of energy, though; so please remember to leave him some milk and
cookies (especially chocolate chip). And if you see him, tell him I don't
want the reindeer formula anymore... and the folks over at SPY Magazine do.
- Andrew Orgell
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