If I ever become an Evil Overlord!

[Brian Cluff <brian@usasn.com>]

>>Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
there
>>are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil
>>Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets
>>overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether
>>they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien
>>invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single
>>time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:
>>
>>  1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
>>     not face-concealing ones.
>>
>>  2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
>>
>>  3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
>>     anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
>>
>>  4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
>>
>>  5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
>>     Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons
of
>>     Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
>>
>>  6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicatment before killing them.
>>
>>  7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
``Or
>>     are you afraid without your armies to back you up?'' My reply will
be,
>>     ``No, just sensible.''
>>
>>  8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, ``Look, before you kill
>>     me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?'' I'll say,
>>     ``No.'' and shoot him.
>>
>>  9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
>>     in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks'
time
>>     during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
>>
>> 10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
>>     necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
>>     labelled ``Danger: Do Not Push''.
>>
>> 11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
>>     destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
>>
>> 12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
hotel
>>     well outside my borders will work just as well.
>>
>> 13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
>>     prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
>>     enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
>>
>> 14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an
accident --
>>     I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe
it.
>>
>> 15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word
``mercy'';
>>     I simply choose not show them any.
>>
>> 16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws
in
>>     my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
>>     implementation.
>>
>> 17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom
of
>>     the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any
>>     accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
>>     aforementioned disposal.
>>
>> 18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as
members
>>     of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots
or
>>     adhere to any other dress codes.
>>
>> 19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
other
>>     form of last request.
>>
>> 20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
that
>>     such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate
when
>>     the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
>>     operation.
>>
>> 21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
>>     scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently
>>     twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage
he's
>>     caused.
>>
>> 22. I will never utter the sentence ``But before I kill you, there's just
>>     one thing I want to know.''
>>
>> 23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
>>     advice.
>>
>> 24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt
to
>>     usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction
at
>>     a crucial point in time.
>>
>> 25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
evil,
>>     but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her
own
>>     father.
>>
>> 26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
>>     maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
>>     developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
>>     accordingly.
>>
>> 27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms
for
>>     my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make
>>     them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage
Mongol
>>     hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a
>>     more positive mind-set.
>>
>> 28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
will
>>     not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
>>
>> 29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops
in
>>     their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my
power
>>     generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless --
my
>>     troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears
>>     and rocks.
>>
>> 30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
weaknesses.
>>     Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I
will
>>     never utter the line ``No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!''
(After
>>     that, death is usually instantaneous.)
>>
>> 31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort
of
>>     machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and
>>     virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
>>
>> 32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am
fortunate
>>     enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow
him
>>     to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he
will
>>     be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch
him.
>>
>> 33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there
is
>>     probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
>>     Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my
>>     bedchamber.
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