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If I ever become an Evil Overlord!
>>Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
>>are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil
>>Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets
>>overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether
>>they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien
>>invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single
>>time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:
>> 1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
>> not face-concealing ones.
>> 2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
>> 3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
>> anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
>> 4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
>> 5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
>> Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons
>> Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
>> 6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicatment before killing them.
>> 7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
>> are you afraid without your armies to back you up?'' My reply will
>> ``No, just sensible.''
>> 8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, ``Look, before you kill
>> me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?'' I'll say,
>> ``No.'' and shoot him.
>> 9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
>> in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks'
>> during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
>> 10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
>> necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
>> labelled ``Danger: Do Not Push''.
>> 11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
>> destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
>> 12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
>> well outside my borders will work just as well.
>> 13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
>> prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
>> enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
>> 14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an
>> I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe
>> 15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word
>> I simply choose not show them any.
>> 16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws
>> my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
>> 17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom
>> the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any
>> accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
>> aforementioned disposal.
>> 18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as
>> of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots
>> adhere to any other dress codes.
>> 19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
>> form of last request.
>> 20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
>> such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate
>> the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
>> 21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
>> scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently
>> twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage
>> 22. I will never utter the sentence ``But before I kill you, there's just
>> one thing I want to know.''
>> 23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
>> 24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt
>> usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction
>> a crucial point in time.
>> 25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
>> but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her
>> 26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
>> maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
>> developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
>> 27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms
>> my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make
>> them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage
>> hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a
>> more positive mind-set.
>> 28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
>> not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
>> 29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops
>> their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my
>> generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless --
>> troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears
>> and rocks.
>> 30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
>> Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I
>> never utter the line ``No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!''
>> that, death is usually instantaneous.)
>> 31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort
>> machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and
>> virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
>> 32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am
>> enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow
>> to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he
>> be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch
>> 33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there
>> probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
>> Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my