Humor: Skiing, anyone?

[jondd@juno.com (Jon D Dayley)]

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Skiing Anyone?
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Ahhhhh...the ski season is almost here.  The
following is a list of exercises to prepare or to 
remind non-skiers why they don't ski:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in
the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards,
burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer
after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubberband around the
top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with
glue smeared all over the lenses.

12. Throw a hundred dollar bill away now.

11. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across
the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two
pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you
are looking for your car.  Systematically drop things.

10. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble
in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around
your toes.  Line the shoes with crushed ice.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw
one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a
friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for
a hamburger.  Be sure to wait in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket
and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the
ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as
long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following
an 18 wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button
and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your
face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then
proceed to take them off because you have to go to
the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a
doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday
and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!