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Virus TypesVirus Types
ADAM AND EVE Virus: This virus takes a couple of bytes out of
ADAM Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple, then
disappears with no lasting harm except to fruit industry.
AIRLINE Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
AL GORE Virus:
Confuses the computer into thinking the pcmcia port stands
for "protecting, conserving, my conebearing ideal americans,"
and it will only function if you push a living tree twig into
it while hugging the trunk. Do not do this though, or a stink
will come out that will destoy the ozone leaving only your
hardware functioning. No living Sysop will survive but the trees.
AMY FISHER Virus:
It tries to destroy but only damages your monitor.
Then it prints a message of its life story.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Virus:
The so-called terminator virus will come and go, leaving the
message that "it will be back." Only defense against this
virus is through it's female adapter, but then you run the
risk of getting the dreaded Kennedy Viruses.
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are
BILL CLINTON Virus:
This virus mutates from region to region; we're not exactly
sure what it does. Appears to mate with other viruses at random.
It does much flip-flopping and accomplishes absolutely nothing.
Makes your system do the opposite of what it prompts. Can only
be removed when you hold it under white-water. Tries to remove
itself by turning your printer into a shredder. If it prompts
you for the Clinton-defense-virus, DON'T BELIEVE IT.
It starts by boldly stating, "No new Files for the Middle Class!"
on the screen. Then it proceeds to fill up all the free space
on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the
Quayle or Bush Virus.
BORIS YELTSIN Virus:
It reformats your drive and alters your PC's basic operating
principles every ten minutes, making it completely inoperative.
Meanwhile, an on screen message begs you to be patient and wait
90 days for results.
Under the influence of this Eastern European virus, your PC's
components continuously break down into tiny, squabbling factions.
CONGRESSIONAL Virus: Overdraws your disk space.
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message
appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
In the past, the section with control made the loudest beeping.
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't
allow the user to accomplish anything.
This virus acts up during computer war games. It blinks your
monitor before attacks---once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
DAN QUAYLE Virus:
Forces your computer to play PGA TOUR from 10am to 4pm, six
days a week. Plus messes up your editor, making it add e's
to the end of vegetable words.
Tags an E on the end of every word in your text files ending in
Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without
joining into a binary network.
Their is sumthing rong with your compueter, ewe just can't
figyour out watt. (Variant of the POTATOE Virus.)
DAVID DUKE Virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
DR. HANNIBAL LECTER Virus:
It eats the heart out of your PC with some fava beans and a
Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs,
only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations all
across rural America.
Locks up your modem by phoning home, when not talking to
Jimmy Carter about the space ship cover up.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT Virus:
Scrambles your sectors into thousands of little units, each doing
next to nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important
part of your computer, and cost more than an optical disk.
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their
data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin
GENNIFER FLOWERS Virus:
This virus no longer exists per se, it was cloned off onto
the Clinton virus.
GEORGE BUSH Virus:
Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.
Starts by boldly declaring "Read my Text... NO NEW FILES!"
on screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard
disk with new files, and blames it all on the Congress virus.
(Mutation #2 - Japanese Version1):
Eats some of your files, then immediately regurgitates some of
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST Virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything
HEALTH CARE Virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you
a bill for $4,500. The bill is $9,000 when overwritten with
the assistance of the Congressional Virus.
Self aborting virus that will scare the daylights out of you.
It hides hoping the HILLARY VIRUS will not be detected, then
resurfaces if the CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS is not dealt with
immediately. Virus analysts say the CONGRESSIONAL virus may
mutate and self destruct, the conclusions are out. One thing
is clear. It will not be as powerfully destructive.
HILLARY CLINTON Virus:
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder, has no owners
manual, and is unresponsive to the Sysop. Attempts to connect
to insider traders in cattle futures. You MUST control, alt,
delete before it does so. You will go bankrupt without the
improper but not-so-terminal connections.
Writes a very imporant program without having taken any classes
in Computer Science. Strongly attempts to force you to use it.
IMELDA MARCOS Virus:
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up.
Siphons money from your Quicken account, and spends it all
buying new shoes through Prodigy.
JACK KEVORKIAN Virus:
Helps your computer shut down whenever you want it to, but
it can never be reset or rebooted again. This virus only
attacks Terminal Cases.
JERRY BROWN Virus:
Blanks your screen and flashes an 800 number.
JESSE JACKSON Virus:
Your screen becomes a beautiful rainbow, but your PC can't
JIMMY CARTER Virus:
Confuses Sysop by making smooth directories wherever it goes,
but none of it is verifiable or lasting.
JIMMY HOFFA Virus: Nobody can find it.
JOCELYN ELDERS Virus:
Prints, "Oh no you don't" after the "Abort Retry Fail" message
if you choose "Fail" or "Retry", and only allows the "Abort"
message to be selected.
Gives you the CONDOM Anti-Virus program, but intentionally hides
from you that it has a 20 percent failure rate.
After attempting to promote self-satisfaction, the Elders Virus
is quickly removed by the Clinton Virus.
JURASSIC PARK Virus: Makes V20 computers more advanced than a
486 then duplicates the new computers.
Keeps scrolling the lyrics to "The Song that Doesn't End"
on the bottom line of your screen.
Claims it feels "threatened" by the other files on your PC and
erases them "in self defense."
Overrides "detect and clean" virus removal programs, then
continues misbehaving inspite of losing funds in all spreadsheets.
LORENA BOBBITT Virus:
Very serious virus. It cuts off your hard drive and leaves you
with only a 3.5" floppy! Especially dangerous for BBS SysOps -
as it will cut off your most valued member while you sleep.
MARIO CUOMO Virus:
Should it attack your system or should it leave your system
alone? This virus can't seem to decide what to do, but an
on screen message says it withholds the right to destroy your
files at a later date.
MARTHA STEWART Virus:
It takes over your PC and oh so tastefully alters your
color palettes to lovely muted pastels.
Feigns a "just" interest in data processors for football users
and famous prostitute users, but has already aborted and
executed Pensacola user protester. Fairness does not compute
in data process selections.
Messages on your screen refer to Republican victories as
"a killing" and sends sympathy notes to Democrats on your
printer. When detected, it tells you it "just read it off
your modem's wire service," though this message is deceitful.
THE MCI Virus:
Every four minutes it autodials all your friends and relatives
and pesters them to switch, giving them YOUR name, as reference.
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much
for the AT&T virus.
MICHAEL JACKSON Virus:
Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance.
This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
(Mutation #1): This mutated Jackson virus is very expensive and
appears to only seek young files. If you get this virus and can
prove it, you stand to inherit 10 million dollars from Michael.
MICHAEL JORDAN Virus:
It slam dunks your PC 40 times every 60 minutes, never the same
NATIONAL ENQUIRER Virus:
It incessantly scans your files for evidence that you are
cross-dressing, have been abducted by aliens, or are secretly
dating Princess Di.
NEW WORLD ORDER Virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad
just thinking about it.
NIKE Virus: This virus "Just Does It!"
OLIVER STONE Virus:
Attacks the Warren Commission Virus, with the result that both
you and your PC are left in a state of total confusion.
OLLIE NORTH Virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
OPRAH WINFREY Virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly
expands back to 200MB.
PAT BUCHANAN Virus: Shifts all output to the extreme right of
PAULA JONES Virus:
It doesn't exist. There are too many witnesses for it to
exist. If it existed, there would be no witness, like in
the Vince Foster virus.
PAUL REVERE Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around.
It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN,
twice if by C.
PAUL TSONGAS Virus:
Pops up on December 25th and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."
Suddenly, your PC becomes incredibly drab and boring.
PBS Virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
PINTO Virus: Sets your computer on fire.
POLITICALLY CORRECT Virus:
Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as
an "electronic microorganism."
PRO CHOICE Virus:
Overwrites all files, in every State but remains personally
opposed to it's own behavior. Destroys all files from 1 day
to 9 months even if the only reason is sector selection.
It won't encourage you to consult your mother (board), and
demands more and more funding.
THE RAMBO Virus:
Protects your CPU, but attacks any systems it perceives as enemies.
RICHARD NIXON Virus (AKA the "TRICKY DICK Virus"):
You can wipe it out, but it always makes a comeback.
(Mutation #1): Will mysteriously blank various parts of files.
RIGHT TO LIFE Virus:
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is.
If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see
a counselor about possible alternatives.
RONALD REAGAN Virus:
This virus creates serious problems in memory.
ROSS PEROT Virus:
When you boot, it displays a message saying that it is thinking
of running. Then it scans the disk for competing operating
systems, and if it finds any, shuts down immediately...
Your PC is crippled by 500,000 incoming calls of support each day.
Activates every component in your system, just before the
whole thing quits.
SCHROEDER MILITARY Virus:
This virus AIDS in the destruction of the virus scanners you
may have, by encouraging in very risky social experiments,
done in close proximity on the computer's viral Defense system.
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply,
and a set of shocks.
S & L Virus:
Says that it is a stacker but permanently loses MB space on your
hard disk. No known cure.
SPIKE LEE Virus:
It makes your screen go totally black.
STAR TREK Virus:
Infects your PC in places no virus has gone before.
TBN TURNER-FONDA Virus:
Enters data LIVE but beginning on the RIGHT side of the screen
with the purpose of annoying you with the right and then moving
intentionally to the LEFT.
TED KENNEDY Virus:
Crashes your computer, then denies it ever happened.
TED TURNER Virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
You can get your PC to do what you want, but only after an
interminable argument that leaves you feeling horribly guilty.
TERRY RANDLE Virus:
Prints, "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from
the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
It makes your hard drive hard driven.
TWO LIVE CREW Virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with using the word "motherboarder"
repeatedly in the sound blaster with no redeeming value. If you
seek to unplug, it electronically files a class action suit.
Takes control of all of your computer's defensive and offensive
programs, but is not answerable to any commands by the sysop,
manufacturer, not even the Clinton virus. Even though this virus
has total control, it can not accomplish anything.
Your PC can operate only at night, and its performance really sucks.
Will only attack and kill your computer if anyone near your
terminal owns a gun. Acts with the power of a nuke, on the
operating system, when your system's power compares to that
of a pea shooter.
WARREN COMMISSION Virus:
Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
WILLIARD SCOTT Virus:
Keeps track of all family birthdays and renders verbose birthday
wishes each time you request weather predictions.
WILLIAM KENNEDY SMITH Virus:
It attacks your PC late at night and without provocation,
operating under the influence of the Ted Kennedy Virus.
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