administratium

[Brian Cluff <fm@generation-i.com>]

Amazing New Element Discovered

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by UK
physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or
electrons and has an atomic number of 0. However it does have 1 neutron, 125
assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This
gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

   Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one
reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in
less than one second.
   
   Administratium has a normal half life of approximately 6 months, at
which time it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganisation in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after each reorganisation.

   Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as large corporations, government departments or even trade unions. It can be found even in the newest, best maintained or refurbished buildings.

   Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any
level of concentration and can easily destruct any positive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.